


Before

by TheRustyWriter



Category: The 100
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Apocalypse, F/F, F/M, Forbidden Love, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-08-28 12:25:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8445751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRustyWriter/pseuds/TheRustyWriter
Summary: What if the first time Murphy laid eyes on Raven, it wasn't when he shot her. It was Before. Starts on the Ark and moves into the fight against the Power Stations in Season 4.





	1. Before

_That was the thing: he couldn't remember the time or date when he'd seen her. Just that he'd seen her before. And, when he'd seen her, the image of her had fused itself into his soul, even if the exact details hadn't._

Exact time and dates had been a problem for him for years. A common problem he'd imagine, when you had spent almost half your life locked in a box. Not that he really had anyone to chat to about his thoughts on this. Again, a problem synonymous with being imprisoned in a box.

Added to this, when he actually got to half, then he'd be dead. So, he'd kind of stopped counting anyway by that stage.

Not that he'd ever really counted in the first place. What would have been the point? He didn't have anything to count to. He didn't have anyone to count for. Just being eighteen. Adulthood. Of course, in this world and on this path that supposed milestone would just mean he was finally dead.

Sometimes, he dreamt of being dead. Of hazy nothingness from which his father would appear and reach out a hand to him.

He longed for those death-dreams and their peaceful escape because, more often, over the years, he dreamt of being violently floated through the execution doors, while his mother laughed manically as he disappeared into the abyss. In this dream, she'd taunt him over and over: "That's what you deserve. That's all you deserve. He died because of you. You're a bastard because of you. I'm dead because of you."

Then, he'd wake, sweating and shivering in the perpetual darkness. He'd never wake relieved though. Because he was still there. Waiting. Waiting for the inevitable reality of his nightmare to come true, when he turned eighteen. Even though his mother was long gone, part of him almost expected her to be there on his judgment day. The last infliction of punishment from a mother to the son she hated even as she died. She'd probably still have hated him even if she'd seen him try to avenge her and his father's deaths. Without his father, hate was the only thing she had been capable of.

These days though he barely slept, which was initially a welcome relief. It gave him more time to read in the flickering light. Over the years, he'd become a prolific reader. It wasn't as if there was much else to do. While his own already basic education had been halted at nine and he doubted he could write more than a sentence or two these days, there was at least something comforting about being able to read about a world long gone, ruined by his own people. His personal favourite - The Count of Monte Cristo - always seemed particularly apt. Although swimming to freedom might have been an almost unimaginable fantasy, the revenge elements themselves, played enticingly in his mind. And if Edmond Dantes thought he was unlucky, he would have liked to have seen him spend nine years in the Sky Box.

Anyway - It was #DayNeverEndingHellNotCountingAnymore, when he first saw her. His cell had always been right at the end of the fourth floor. A section of the SkyBox which was always sparsely occupied. Most of the new kids were held there for a day or two before they were moved down to a lower floor, or, in rare cases, up to a high one, if someone had some Alpha Station money. There had been a case of that a month or so back. Princess. He hadn't actually really seen her, just a flash of golden hair and the Guards mimicking her polished accent and constantly calling for her to, "Let down your golden hair, Princess."

In his early days in the Box, he'd given his neighbours nicknames as they came and went. He had quickly realised the way the food hatch of his cell was positioned he could peer out into the narrow hallway and see people's reflections in the security mirrors positioned on the walls to the right and in front of his cell. This usually meant he got a pretty good look at who was entering and leaving. Back then, he used to enjoy looking at them, wondering and guessing their alleged crime and which station they were from. This game got boring pretty quick though: Factory, Factory, Farm, Factory, Farm, Factory, Power thrown in once in a while, and back to Factory.

A pathetic part of him used to faintly hope one of the new arrivals would be friends with him. One boy, another John, Mgebe, about his own age, spoke to him for hours when he arrived and he hoped their paths would cross in the main prison. However, after the first three months though (he used to count back then), one of the guards made it clear his file had been stamped with a DNM (Do NOT Move) order. He realised he'd never see most of those poor bastards again; he was the youngest prisoner for a long time, so he figured they would most likely be dead before him. There was a weird, almost macabre, comfort in that and his interest in the occupants of the neighbouring cells served mainly to break the monotony. In the more recent years though, the occupants were, more often than not, younger than him as he became increasingly aware of the eighteen-year noose tightening around his neck. In recent months, they'd been a haunted shadow of a girl, whose stifled, silent sobbing he had listened to for days as the guards taunted her as 'The RatGirl'; another girl, a thief, so young and meek he had named her 'Olivia Twist', after a character in another novel he'd read; and a boy, some gangly teenager with what looked like Biggles' goggles on his head, which were a crime in themselves surely.

Looking back, he guessed he was about ten months away from his 'release' date, maybe less. He was trying, even more than usual, not to count because the only 'release' was out of an airlock. Their final sick idea of a joke perhaps. Steal children's lives and the day they finally come of age, finish them off for good. Obviously, the cells sometimes whispered about exoneration and pardons but they certainly would never apply to him. Despite his limited education, he wasn't dumb enough to think they would.

It was then a boy, not far off manhood, but still a kid, came in. A young man, he immediately marked down as one of 'them'. From Alpha or Mecha. They were easy to spot, even though he didn't see many of them. They always carried an air of disbelief that this could happen to them, still hopeful their parents would save them. However, there was one thing he knew by that point, the Ark government were consistently brutal in the implementation of their punishments. No one, especially that tosser Jaha, gave a fuck who your daddy was once you were in the SkyBox. In some ways, this was also oddly comforting.

This kid was especially annoying though. He'd seen a flash of floppy long hair, as he entered his cell. Oh we're allowed long hair now he remembered thinking. Until recently, he and the rest of the boys had regularly had their hair cropped and shaved short. Mind, come to think of it, thinking back, they were a bit slack on that during his final months in the Box. Short staffed he'd heard a few guards moan at the time.

From day one, everything about this kid annoyed him. This kid's voice even annoyed him. It was just too damned upbeat. The kid even made the mistake of thinking his neighbour would want to engage in conversation and tried to talk to him through the void asking: "How old are you?"

"17 years and 2 months. You."

"17 and 6."

"Oh well, we can be grateful for small mercies - you'll be dead before me and I'll get some fucking peace," he'd retorted. That was the end of the chirpy conversation at least.

Then, about a week after his arrival, 17 and 6 months got a visitor. Unusual in holding and yet another sign he was some kind of Edgar-Bloody-Linton.

The guard signalled her arrival: "Oi Collins, look awake, your girlfriend's here. Enjoy it. Piece of ass like that sure isn't going to be coming around here for long."

Interest provoked, he looked out of his cell, expecting to see someone like the Princess. Instead, in the hallway, reflected in the mirror was a Siren. Okay, she obviously wasn't a Siren, but he remembered being so shocked, almost hypnotised by the sight of this Raven-haired young woman that he felt she could only have come from the pages of the mythological texts he'd read and reread. Her facial features burned into his memory: the fullness of her lips and the draw of her eyes. She turned to speak to his neighbour through the hatch of his door and he missed a large part of their early conversation because he was too busy looking at her outfit of combat pants, work boots and a tank, which marked her apart from most other women he'd met in his admittedly limited time in the outside world. Okay, he wasn't just looking at her clothes, he was looking at the way her curves filled them, as she leaned as close as possible to speak to her boyfriend. There was something stoic about her pose and the way her well toned arms held her against the wall as she leaned forward. When he picked up the conversation, her voice was cracked with an emotion he recognised but couldn't quite place, maybe anger and distress, "I can't stand this; I hate this," she was saying.

"It's only six months," he responded with only the certainty someone who'd never actually seen anyone sucked out an airlock could have.

"I know but it's my -" He cut her off:

"- six months and then we'll be together. Always."

Then, she pressed her face to the space and they both murmured quietly until the Guard returned and ushered her, and with her the light, away, leaving a gaping, echoing absence. He never knew he could miss until she was gone. The Guard caught sight of him, clearly mournfully gazing into her wake and barked out a laugh as he sauntered past: "Murphy, you pathetic piece of shit. A rich-boy like Collins sure isn't going to hang onto her hot ass while he's in here, so a skinny, nobody virgin-boy like you has got no hope."

He sat back on his narrow cot, still dazed. Something stirred deep within him. Lust? Well yes, but it wasn't just that. Desire? Yes. But it was a desire he'd never experienced before: a desire to have something, something he knew he never could or would have. Something perfect. The guard was right about that. This girl would never be his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is my first post. Loved some recent Murven work and reworked an old piece I had started. Is unbetaed so any feedback appreciated.


	2. After

It was fair to say he was a pragmatist.

And so, after that first sighting on the Ark, he committed her to memory - okay, and if he was honest, included her in some fairly explicit fantasies, since he'd still had a lot of spare time on his hands in those days.

Then they were dropped from the sky and he moved on with the eleventh hour 'reprieve' (read: became Ark human sacrifice) he thought he'd never get. Of course, he managed to fuck up that so-called reprieve and his new life on Earth at every opportunity, continuing his path of self-destruction: a path he felt was probably not that dissimilar to the ancestors who'd nuked the world and got them in this messed-up scenario in the first place. He had certainly never imagined, even in his wildest late-night reveries, that the Siren would show up on Earth, smack-bang in the middle of another installment of the self-sabotaging shit-show they'd been reenacting there since their arrival.

So, somehow, rather than the chivalrous Mr Darcy-like impression he'd once foolishly imagined he would make, he'd only gone and shot her to pieces and left her dying in the midst of a Grounder attack.

At the time, he'd wondered if his path had crossed with the Siren earlier maybe she'd have stopped his route to self-destruction somehow. Realistically though, that probably was unlikely: didn't Sirens lure men into doing foolish things with their sensuality and charm? Maybe it would have been better if she had been a Medusa because then she could have frozen him on Day 1 and he wouldn't have ended up there on ... what Day was it ... 28? 29? 30? He wasn't actually sure. But regardless, maybe he wouldn't have ended up there and making her his - what was it - sixth? - victim. His Dad. His Mother. Charlotte. Connor. Myles. And her. Raven.

The thing was when he shot through that floor, he'd never imagined 'She' would be underneath. Collins' girl. There. Down on Earth with scum like the rest of them.

He remembered when he'd seen Collins again as they descended in the dropship. Fucking about. Flirting and laughing and desperately trying to get The Princess' attention, even then as they tumbled towards the earth. His gaiety and foolish behaviour had jarred Murphy hard. By then, he was beyond bitter.  Nearly ten years alone in the SkyBox had made him forget how to laugh. The sound grated against his ears and made him burn with resentment. He hated most of the others instantly. Maybe in another life he wouldn't have. But by that point, he'd forgotten how to feel. Thus, as they hurtled towards the ground, he felt the complete terror of someone who'd never lived. Of someone who'd not been outside a box for over nine years. Of someone who'd never even spoken to a girl, never mind laid a hand on one. And there was Collins making flippant jokes and floating around like someone who didn't value the life he was being another chance at. Even his nickname, 'SpaceWalker' made Murphy want to spit. 

He also remembered, a very short time afterwards (shockingly short actually, even to a boy like him who had no real concept of time), hearing Collins boast to one of the other boys that he'd taken The Princess' virginity. At that moment, Murphy had wanted to tear him limb from limb and avenge Her: his own princess, whose unfaithful boyfriend arrogantly bragged about sleeping with another girl, while she probably kept a vigil back on the Ark. I mean Murphy didn't even like the Princess but there was something about her morality which made her hard to hate as much as the others. When her life lay in the balance, he'd known he had to pull her up off the cliff edge and she'd cut him down when none of those other hypocrites and cowards would. And she was pretty he'd admit. Not as stunning as his Dream Girl on the Ark but beautiful too. _What the hell did they see in Collins?_ he remembered thinking bitterly.

At the time, he guessed Collins had decided they would never see anyone from the Ark again and figured he should probably do the same and forget the image of the girl who haunted his every fantasy.

Anyway, unfortunately, as luck would have it, she made it to the ground. She met up with the people he'd managed to make mortal enemies with over the first month he spent there. Oh, and then he shot her.

_"We need help over here. Murphy, the arsehole, has hit Raven. She's hurt bad."_

_Raven. Hair. Those eyes. Curves. Leaning forward. Those boots. She was an engineer. From Mecha. Collins' girl_.

Jagged fragments and broken pieces cut against his muted senses. 

The weirdest thing was: for decades the only emotions he could remember feeling were hate, anger and the most overwhelming desire for vengeance. When he overheard that shout for help though, a new unfamiliar feeling flooded him: guilt. That was partly it. He'd felt it numbly when he'd suffocated the others and when he watched Charlotte take her own life.

Now though, the feeling assaulted him. Vomit rose in his throat and unable to contain it, he turned to be sick. He lent against the tree, frantically and blindly gripping for something to grasp. His heart contracted as images of her hurt and dying clouded his vision.

There was another emotion too. It was a sensation so unfamiliar and so long forgotten. It was Love.

He Loved a girl who he'd never met and who - due to his own rash and psychotic (her later words) actions - would probably hate him forever. However, it was this sobering realisation which made him go back. Despite knowing getting caught would probably lead to his death, he needed to see Raven. He needed Her to make it. More than his instinct to survive. More than anything. 

_"Yeah, I would have shot me too..."_

There she was: sweating with fever, struggling to lift an unloaded weapon, pale and wan, but filled with fight and so **so** fucking angry at him, calling him a 'dick'. And so mesmerisingly beautiful none-the-less.

_"I am sorry for shooting you."_

God - she was beautiful. Stunningly so. Even lying there, immobilised and hating him, his heart and his body ached for her.  As she berated him, he found himself making the only apology he'd ever made and then telling her about his parents, telling her things he'd never told anyone before, not even the judges at his trial. 

As he faced her, his voice choked, he subconsciously rubbed the marks on his neck, which taunted him, reminding him of the sins he'd committed, while another of his crimes was in front of him, with her life ebbing away from her, laying in a pool of blood. It was a cycle of despicable violence and depraved acts from which he realised he would probably never escape. 

Suddenly, her coughing fit roused him from his self-loathing and he moved to turn her on her side and stop her from choking on her own blood. The blood he had spilled. And in that moment, he knew whatever happened, if both of them didn't die, he'd make it up to her somehow. In this life or in his next one, he would make it up to her.

It was a promise he reiterated to himself over and over as he sat rotting in another prison later on after Jaha and Kane had him arrested for murder. As he sat in that pit, he listened to her screaming in agony, as she fought to survive on an operating table. I did this he thought. And since he didn't believe in Gods, he instead promised himself and the World that if he survived he'd make sure nothing bad ever happened to her again. He'd protect her and make right all the pain he'd caused her.

Turned out that declaration wasn't so easy. Firstly, her injury was permanent. He'd ruined the most perfect thing he'd ever seen. He spent the days and weeks following her operation, leaving her anonymous gifts: lotions and medicines to take away the pain; sweeping the path outside her tent so she didn't fall; doing her laundry; watching over her at night; lurking in the shadows looking for any opportunity to take the pain away.

And then of course, there was Finn and his sudden personality transplant from annoying Mecha-Station spoilt brat to mass murderer.  He tried to stop him but afterwards he knew Raven was right: he should have done more, no wonder she wanted to trade him for Finn. No wonder she blamed and hated him. In the nights that followed the events in the village, Murphy's dreams haunted him again, replaying events and left him screaming into the dark at an invisible Finn shooting those unarmed people and at himself shooting at an equally unarmed Raven through the floor of the Dropship: _"Don't do this - she'll hate you."_

She did. She fucking despised him. He recognised the hate he saw growing within her: at him, at Finn, at herself and her injury.  Although he desperately wanted to help her, he knew she wouldn't let him. He needed to let her heal. He needed to try and heal too; he needed to do something good. It was partly that which made him go with Jaha and his: _"Good can come out of darkest things"_ crap.

Ultimately, she was never meant to be his and he needed to let her go. She was Raven. A Greek Goddess. A mythological creature. She could save herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had no recollection of Murphy and Raven meeting before the end of Season 1 when he shoots her, so apologies if I have made a mistake. In this version, it's their first meeting. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is reading. Any feedback is appreciated.


	3. Later

Knowing it was a time to stay silent, he sat in the council meeting room as they finalised weeks' worth of plans to disarm the nuclear reactors. The targets indicated on the board at the front of the room were the four closest to them. The ones which would end it all, if not switched off in the next 84 hours. Almost ironically, those furthest away, the stations and plants in the eastern and western corners of the Earth, had been deactivated remotely but these remained boiling with nuclear waste, having been made impossible to turn off unless their systems were manually disabled.

A final fuck you from A.L.I.E.

There were to be four groups. Four groups, each consisting of someone who was trained to deactivate a nuclear power station. Trained... as in had two days instruction from Raven.

Group 1 was Jackson's Group. This in itself had caused objections from disconcerting council members, as many of them felt it was foolhardy to send one of their only doctors on such a dangerous mission. However, Raven had argued no one else was skilled enough and, without them disabling the plant, there would be no need for doctors anyway. Eventually, after careful consideration and vetting of everyone left within the community, Kane had relented, realising Raven was, of course, right.

That was the problem: following the landing, the massacres, an unnecessary self-sabotaging war fought on several fronts and then A.L.I.E, they were left with so few people. So, there was no one else stable and skilled enough left, bar Abby Griffin herself, and Kane would never allow her to be sacrificed on another risky mission, especially when so many people within the camps needed medical attention.

As a result, Kane was obviously going with Jackson in an attempt to protect one of their most precious assets. It also required the team to travel north deep into Grounder territory and thus, Roan and a platoon of his people agreed accompany them and take them safely to the first station, as part of the ongoing peace treaty, agreed in the wake of the A.L.I.E infiltration.

Group 2 was Monty and Harper. Theirs was the largest and most difficult station to access and would require more than one mechanical mind. Their team therefore was being chaperoned by the King and Queen, Bellamy and Clarke, as well as about twenty others, mainly from Mecha and Factory stations, as well as some grounders from Lexa's clan who had agreed to guide them safely. It was by far the most dangerous station to access, across mountains and exposed territory inland, far to the northwest of them.

Group 3 were going to the closest and, apparently, the most straightforward, power station to deactivate.

But... it was Jasper's group and Murphy knew Jasper's stability remained in doubt. Hell, Jasper made him look quite sane and balanced. Jasper could be the Lear to his Fool these days. The issue was though: there was no one else. Raven had argued this to the council too. Despite Jasper's recent suicidal behaviour, he could deactivate a nuclear power station in his sleep, while playing the violin. Thus, they reluctantly agreed. Jasper would be accompanied by Octavia and Indra and a fleet of Indra's people on horseback, so they all knew he'd be watched and tracked and kept in line by the two. But it remained a risk. They needed to ensure he followed all of Raven's instructions.

Group 4 was his group. Okay, it was Raven's group. Further south than Group 3's target, and easy enough to access, they would be travelling by rover due to her limited mobility. To complicate matters though, the station itself was volatile and no doubt needed the best mechanic, which was why Raven had assigned it to herself.

They were the smallest group: just her, him, Bryan and Miller, as no one else would fit in the rover with the equipment.

He had seen how she'd hesitated when Clarke announced the final groups and who was going to be in her team. He saw the slight spasm of her right cheek - a clear sign she was uncertain about his presence. That was the thing: while he and Raven had made an uneasy peace, thanks to events and his actions at Polis and against Ontari and A.L.I.E, she clearly didn't trust him yet. And he was pretty sure she never would.

Irregardless of this though, he knew he had to go in the de-activation team, even if it made the others uncomfortable; he knew he was getting a second chance to prove himself as a valuable member of the community and he couldn't fuck that up. Well, really that opportunity was thanks to Clarke and her vouching for him following their own experiences with Ontari. And, thanks to Jaha of course, whose testimony had made Murphy out to be sane, restrained and downright heroic in comparison to some of the other A.I-fuelled insanity which had gone down...

... who'd have thought it? John Murphy. Sane. Sensible. Saviour. Only slightly psychotic (he wondered if Raven would also eventually be able to reassess that one).

Thus, Jaha (...although currently incarcerated and being assessed daily...) and Clarke had got him this far. But Miller, Bryan and Raven still didn't really trust him and if he ever really wanted to belong, this was probably the best, hell only, chance he would ever have to fully redeem himself. Hell, it might be the last chance. In less than four days, there was a very, very high and real chance they would be nuked off the fucking Earth anyway. But he wanted to try. Not just because he saw himself as a survivor, which he did, but because he wanted the others to survive. So many of them were good people and Clarke had taught him how to fight for and respect that.

Thus, he found himself on the loading deck, transporting equipment marked, obviously by Raven, which read, 'FRAGILE. Be careful ARSEHOLE', into the Rover. Raven stood to his right looking at a map with Clarke. Bellamy was hovering over them, clearly twitching to leave and urging Clarke and Raven to get on with it. Murphy looked over at the group; his eyes were automatically drawn to Raven. He tried to force himself to focus on the job at hand.

 _It's the end of the world you prick_ , he admonished himself harshly in his head. _Stop perving at a girl who's not your girlfriend._

His inner voice snarked back at him: _Well, seems like a perfectly good time to enjoy looking at her if you ask me._ Fuck, he hated himself sometimes. He tore his eyes away and continued to load supplies.

Finally ready, he went to rest his back against the rover when arms snaked around his waist. Instinctively, he knew it was Emori and he lent into her. She nuzzled her nose behind his ear and murmured quietly to him: "I'm so proud of you you know. I'll be urging you on the whole way." His heart filled with an unfamiliar warmth and he turned in her arms to rest his head against hers, unsure of what to say.

He opened his mouth, "I think we might be pretty much fuc-" His pessimism was cut off by her lips against his, her tongue against his, her body against his. When they broke apart, her stronger hand pulled him firmly against her for a hug, and she rested her head against his shoulder. He shut up, knowing not to say anything else. His eyes though still flickered over her shoulder, meeting Raven's butt as she fiercely hugged Clarke goodbye. He was a prick. He really was. There he was with a girl who was perfect for him in his arms: a girl who'd taken him back after Ontari, who'd started a life with him, who wanted him. Emori was more than he deserved. He loved her. He did.

Just then, Bryan approached, gently touching Emori's shoulder: "Don't worry Em. We will try not to get him killed." She laughed gently and kissed Bryan on the cheek. Everyone liked Bryan. He was easy going and his natural warmth and kind nature made it easier for people to forgive his earlier mistakes with Pike.

Turning to face him again, Emori kissed Murphy one last time. "I don't need to look back; I'll see you again," she promised him before walking away.

Following her departure, he and Bryan stood superfluous to any other actions taking place around them. Raven, Clarke and Bellamy had now been joined by Kane, Sinclair, Harper, Indra and Monty and were all hunched close together. To their left, Miller was engaged in a serious conversation with Octavia.

Then, the group all moved and separated at once and Raven stalked towards Murphy and Bryan. "Right Team Raven, let's go!" she ordered. Her eyes glinted with determination and drive. Christ, she'd never looked fiercer or hotter.

They piled into the rover and Miller automatically took front seat, with Raven by his side. He blared the horn twice and hit the accelerator as they were waved sombrely out of the crowded compound by people from both the Ark and the ground.

Once they cleared the camp, Raven turned to their driver, "What did you say to Octavia as we left, Miller?" she asked.

There was a momentary pause and his eyes met Murphy's in the rear view mirror.

"I told her to put Jasper down if he tries to endanger the mission." Murphy saw her head nod silently in agreement but she said nothing and they sped on towards their destination. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmm I don't feel this is the best chapter but felt I needed to set up what was happening. I know there's next to no interaction between Murphy and Raven but that will develop in next few chapters.


	4. Later: Part II

(Doomsday -64hours)

After about twenty hours of solid driving, they approached their destination at daybreak the following day. The boys had taken turns driving the rover in two hour stints, despite Raven's protestations, because they needed her alert and had forced her to try and sleep in the back. Eventually, she'd drifted off and Murphy had covered her with a blanket. As the sun rose, the early morning light illuminated her dozing figure, and, once again, he found his eyes drawn to her: with her strong bone structure and high cheek bones, there was something about her, even when she was sleeping.

Lurching jerkily, the rover came to a halt, pulling Murphy from his gazing and waking Raven so suddenly, she sat up with a start.

"Sorry!" apologised Bryan from the driver's seat. "There's a fence." And that there was: a huge barbed wired, three layer wire fence, with the words: KEEP AWAY - ELECTRIC FENCE emblazoned across it. Murphy grabbed a pair of wire cutters from beside him in the back, swung open the door and headed towards it, to cut a path through, knowing no electricity had run through it for a century. Only nuclear power, it turned out, could survive in the wake of a nuclear apocalypse.

About an hour later, they found themselves in the station's mains' centre, surrounded by Raven's equipment. Already, it was stiflingly hot. It was probably going to be one of the hottest days since they'd landed on earth. Murphy wondered if the gods were laughing while watching them as they stood on the stage of their latest challenge: in the plant room, at the hub of a power station, whose detonation would wipe out the remaining life on the planet... Never mind the gods: their ancestors had really fucked up everything hadn't they.

The station itself had been easy enough to enter, as Raven had overwritten the access codes and they made it through the main doors. The passages were clear and, although thick with dust, there were no signs it had been raided. Murphy assumed this was due to the fact it was both impassable and its technology had been superfluous to the earth's original survivors.

"Okay, Murphy, time to get your head in the game and out of your arse." Raven's voice cut through his thoughts and he turned, ready to follow her orders, as she put him, Miller and Bryan to work. And by god, did she make them work. By the time the midday sun was high in the sky, he found himself lying, stuffed underneath a control panel, dripping with sweat, as his aching arms tried to solder some wires together.

"I'm not sure I'm doing it right. I think this is wrong," he called out.

"Well, you better stop fucking thinking and just listen to my instructions, before you electrocute us all," Raven's voice snapped back.

"Oh, well why don't you do it then?" he retorted.

"Oh I would, but Miller was worried I would get stuck down there...And whose fault is that..." she bitched.

"Really, you want to bring that up now?"

"Well, seems like as good a time as any other, since time's something we're currently out of, don't you -"

Bryan firmly cut her off, "Both of you, stop it. It's not helping."

At that moment, Murphy managed to fuse the wires (more from pure dumb luck than anything else, since he couldn't see shit due to the sweat streaming into his eyes) and suddenly the sound of beeping and flashing lights indicated the A.L.I.E-disabled computers were coming back to life.

He heard the sound of Raven and Miller whooping. "Fuck yeah - Good work Murphy!" she called out, the accolade giving him such a fright that he dropped the heavy electric wire cutters onto his forehead and he yelped in pain.

Then, he felt someone tug his feet and he was hauled back from beneath the panel and into the bright light of the control room. Sitting up, he pushed his wet hair back off his face and neck and Bryan, now stripped down to only his trousers and vest due to the extreme heat, lent down a hand to pull him up and handed him a towel, which he used to wipe himself down.

"Yeah, I'm fine thanks for asking, just a minor head injury, you ungrateful gits," he snarked. He was greeted by silence, as they all ignored him. He glanced over to the huge computer scenes where Miller, his t-shirt dripping with sweat, was looking up at incomprehensible code.

Murphy stepped up next to him and whistled, "I hope our mechanic is ready to do her stuff because at this point, us dumb-arses are out."

Raven laughed to his left, finally breaking the tension they'd battled for the last 30-ish hours, "Don't worry I've got this, bitches." Murphy turned to face her and the temperature of the room, which he thought couldn't get any hotter, rose sharply by several more degrees, as he noticed she was standing in just her combat pants and a bra-style tank top as she lent over the array of switches and buttons. Her hair was scraped back and he could see the beads of sweat running down her neck and into the enticing line between her breasts. _If I could follow that line of sweat with my tongue, then I wouldn't mind dying,_ he thought longingly.

Suddenly, Miller's elbow hit sharply into his right side and he found himself looking into Miller's knowingly raised eyebrows. "We could do with some more cold water," he said pointedly. "Why don't you and Bry go and get the cool box and go check out if there's somewhere we can rest up, since we're going to need to take a break at some point." Then, his voice dropped and he added, quietly enough so as not to disturb Raven's careful work, "Go and see if you can get anyone's call sign on the rover's radio."

Grateful for the reprieve from his own uncontrollable perving, he nodded and followed Bryan back towards the rover. They had taken the portable radio inside with them, so they could check in with the others. They had radioed in their arrival but had only heard a copy response from Dr Griffin back at base, and according to the itinerary, Group 1 should have arrived at their destination by now and Group 3 should at least be close enough in range to update them on their destination.

"She's really something isn't she?"

"Huh," Murphy grunted, not fully listening to Bryan's question.

"Raven, I mean. She's beyond impressive for a not quite twenty year old mechanic."

Murphy nodded, not quite trusting himself to talk about her, without exposing how impressive he thought she was. He opened the cool box and tossed Bryan a water bottle, as he grabbed another and gulped it down.

Then, he tried the radio on their mission channel.

"All units. All units. This is rover. Is anyone receiving? Over."

Static sounded on the radio and he repeated the call before a response cackled out from the radio.

"Rover, rover...this is Kane here, over." The radio was faint and full of static but they could make him out.

"Can you report your position, Kane, over?"

"We are in place. I repeat, we are in place. Jackson reports we are on schedule. You? Over."

"Rover Group are also in position and on schedule. Over."

"Have you heard from any of the others? Over."

"Negative, over."

"Rover, Kane, this is Base." Abby's voice suddenly came over the radio. "We will continue to try to contact and update, over."

"Affirmative, good luck. We should probably go, over and out." Murphy ended the call as Kane came on to speak to Abby. Kane's voice was brimming with emotion hearing from her and Murphy didn't want to intrude, so he and Bryan grabbed the coolbox and lugged it back towards the station.

When they re-entered the station, Raven and Miller were hard at work and they gratefully received the water supplies but didn't need any further help, just quiet so they could concentrate. Instead, Murphy and Bryan explored some of the station, since according to the plans, there was an underground living quarters, which would have been used by the plant workers in lockdown situations and was likely to still be intact.

About an hour later, and with Raven's passcodes, they found themselves in a bunker. It was similar in height and design to the one Murphy had been imprisoned in some months earlier but more basic and better suited for its purpose. At least they knew they'd have somewhere to sleep later, as there were three double bedrooms.

They cleaned up the kitchen and the eating area so they could sit and eat later, because regardless what happened with the mission, they might as well enjoy their last 50 hours or so on Earth, if that was all they had left.

Then, they headed back up to the control room. When they arrived, Miller and Raven were standing perfectly still, looking at a blank screen. Bryan and Murphy came and stood silently behind the two. Bryan gently rested a hand of each of their shoulders. None of them spoke, as anticipation overwhelmed the room.

Suddenly, a mechanical voice cut through the room: System Disabled. System Disabled. System Disabled. This station is now in shutdown mode. The main lights flickered off and moments later they found themselves in the duller shades of the back up lights.

Then their screaming and whooping started. Miller lifted Raven into the air above his head, while she laughed and shouted for him to put her down, as Bryan jumped up and down before engulfing Murphy into a huge hug, while screaming, "She did it!" Then, as Miller put Raven down he pulled Bryan into a fierce kiss and left Murphy and Raven starring at each other. He smiled at her: "Raven Reyes. Champion of the World. Well done." She smiled back. The first genuine smile he'd ever seen from her in his direction.

Next to them, Bryan and Miller continued kissing and she motioned to the equipment. "Let's move this stuff downstairs and radio in and leave these lovebirds to it for a few minutes."

Later, after they'd heard the whoops from the base over the radio and heard that Clarke and Bellamy's group had also radioed to say they were on track and should be arriving before nightfall, they sat around the table together enjoying some well deserved moonshine. Abby had promised she'd radio the others with the news of their success and told them it would lift spirits on the missions but all they could then do was sit and eat through the supplies they'd brought with them. And wait and drink. So that was what they did: waited and drank and tried to remain buoyant by telling silly stories to keep their minds off the progress of the others. To be fair, Bryan did a lot of the talking, as he was a born storyteller and Miller and Murphy were always quite quiet but as the evening went on, their interactions became more natural and Murphy found himself enjoying himself despite their dire predicament.

Eventually though, tiredness overcame them and the others went to bed. Miller and Bryan taking the first bedroom and Raven the one next to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried to write Raven and Murphy's interaction to reflect that they're now mature enough to put aside their animosity, as there are more important things at stake, so even though they probably haven't spoken much to each other up until this point, they are able to work together easily enough. There's another chapter to follow straight away, which is all Raven and Murphy, since I decided to split one longer chapter.


	5. Later: Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter and Chapter 4 were posted at the same time so make sure you have read that one first. 
> 
> Trigger warning - some mentions of abuse.

(Doomsday -46hours)

  
Following a quick sweep of the main room, he grabbed the radio and his book. It was a copy of the 'Catcher in the Rye' but he wished he'd brought something else. The protagonist's incessant whinging about what Murphy thought was a pretty-peachy life was really not helping his end-of-the-world vibe. (Neither was the fact he envisaged him as a pre-apocalypse version of Collins). Then, he entered the third bedroom, which was positioned in the far corner of the bunker.

He propped the radio on a desk inside the room and flopped onto the middle of the bed. Up shot about half a century of dust and started him off with a coughing fit. _You Genius,_ he thought, as he spent ten minutes banging the mattress before covering it with the spare bedding and sheets they had brought.

As he dropped onto the bed for a second time, he heard a steady banging from one of the other rooms. Maybe they're getting rid of dust too he thought. About 10 seconds later, he laughed to himself: nope definitely not getting rid of that kind of dust. It was the sound of Bryan and Miller having very loud sex. Well, it was mainly Bryan making the sound. Gasps and moans broke through the air as did the mewling sounds of Bryan panting encouragement for his boyfriend, "Your mouth ... is a god..."

Murphy groaned to himself. So there he was was stuck at the end of the world, with his shitty book, while those two had amazing sex, which he was clearly going to have to listen to. Meanwhile, he was being taunted by a constant loop of images of his own fantasy dream girl, who had spent all day in her bra in front of him and was now just a door away and totally untouchable; while his own girlfriend, who would probably would actually enjoy having sex with him, was hundreds of miles away, and, of course, he might never see her again. He wished Emori had come along with them. At the very least, the end of the world should mean end of the world sex. They had good sex too. Not that he had much of that to compare it with. He wouldn't compare it to Ontari. He blocked her out.

Immediately though, his mind unconsciously moved to Raven's room. He wondered if she could hear them. He wondered if it turned her on. He wondered if she was wearing that bra. God maybe she was naked. His dick twitched, hard inside his pants. God, he couldn't help it. He wanted her still. God he wanted her. _Stop it. Stop it. Stop it._ He forced images of that bloody bra, her stomach, her bending over, out of his mind. Think about that twat Houlden Fucking Caulfield he warned himself. Up popped the image of Finn, writing in a diary. Gross. That worked. He felt calmer and lay there for a minute or two. Then, he looked down at his book. Since he wasn't desperate enough to read it, he flung it against the far wall of the room.  
  
Suddenly, a sharp tap on the door returned him to the moment and in the doorway stood Raven herself, carrying some bedding. Unlike in his fantasy, she was dressed but in loose pants, without her brace and a tank, from which he immediately had to avert his eyes away from because she was wearing no bra. _Oh please, anyone under the age of ninety would have_   _noticed,_ he thought to himself, as he admonished himself again, but still cementing the image of her nipples for a later fantasy, and then made himself think of Finn Caulfield again.

He smirked at her face instead, deliberately raising his eyebrows comically, partly to cover up his embarrassment at having just been thinking about her in such a sexual way, and joked in a light tone, "I knew one day you would be unable to resist me Reyes."

She laughed dryly and responded, "You're the lesser of two evils," nodding back towards Bryan and Miller.

"I hate to break it to you but you can still hear them in here."

"They're making the wall shake. I feel like I'm in bed with them... but without the benefits, so budge up." He laughed at her comments about Miller and Bryan, as he moved over onto the wall side of the bed, which was easily wide enough to fit them both comfortably and without any awkwardness. _Not that there would be,_ he reprimanded himself. _She's not trying to jump you, neither does she know you are suppressing two years of pent up sexual fantasies about her. She knows you have a girlfriend. She's not wearing a bra. Oh just stop. You have a girlfriend._

They sat there in silence for a moment, him leaning against the wall, and her against the headboard, before the sound of Bryan's gasping and mewing started up again and they both burst into hysterical laughter at the same moment. "Wow, who knew Miller had it in him," she commented. "Mind - They do say it's the silent ones who are great in bed."

"Well, I could have done without knowing. If we make it, I'll be really pleased to reminisce about one of my 'last' nights on earth was spent to the sound of Bryan getting a - phenomenal by the sounds of it - blowjob... Actually, even when we die, I'm going to have to die with this as one of my final memories. Brilliant. Fucking brilliant."

She broke into laughter again before turning to look at him in the dim light of the room. "You don't think we're going to do it do you?" He rose an eyebrow questioningly at her. "You said 'when' we die," she prompted.

He sighed. A long and almost painful sigh, full of the scepticism she associated with him. But when he spoke, it was with honestly and genuine feeling: "I think there are too many variables and one of those major variables is Jasper. Thus, sadly, failure seems inevitable to me. But what do I know really?" He went on, "I mean it isn't your plan, which is the issue. Your plan is a very sound one...Well as sound as deactivating nuclear power can be. To be honest, we'd never have even got this far without your expertise but without a 'Round the Twist' copying machine, it was unlikely to succeed because we haven't got enough of you and we have to rely on Jasper and well..." he trailed off..."What do I know though," he repeated.

"That's just it though. You know plenty. We both do." Her tone reflected her worst fears and the ominous resignation Murphy had just aired. She continued, "We both know all about what it is like to feel how Jasper feels right now." She looked at him directly then and their eyes met. Neither of them looked away in the seconds that followed and he saw flashes of the hurt he had caused her again deep in her eyes: _her leg, choking in the dropship, Finn._ His heart contracted.

She continued on, with her gaze locked on his, like if she broke it, she wouldn't be able to say what followed, "And it's because of that I think he's sabotaged the mission already. I know Miller was in so many ways right to say what he did to Octavia but if they've had to immobilise him then the mission is fucked. They can't deactivate the station without him." Her words sucked out the air from the room. They'd clearly both been thinking it all day but hadn't wanted to voice it. The suffocating and ongoing silence of their fears mocked and taunted by the ongoing white noise of the radio everytime they tried it and there was no reply from Group 3: _Jasper's ruined the mission. You're all dead._

"Do I think Jasper has deliberately sabotaged a survival mission. Again... I don't know for sure. All I do know is when you're so angry and bitter it's hard to do anything except hate and self destruct sometimes. But I think... I think Jasper doesn't want to survive and the rest of us are clinging to it so desperately, which puts us at odds."

"When did you realise that?" she asked him. "When did you want to survive?"

"On the dropship, falling out of the sky," he replied honestly. He saw the surprise in her face. "I know it seems crazy but, looking back, even before that I guess I always wanted to survive, even when I wanted to die... even if part of me thought I wanted every other fucker to die too. It's human instinct..." He went on, "That was why you were prepared to trade me for Finn. Despite everything we might say, I think most of us want survival for ourselves and those we love..." He trailed off seeing the complete devastation in her eyes and the way she shrank away from him.

He gently touched her hand so she looked back towards him and he spoke again, "Hey Raven, it's okay. I'd have traded me too. I didn't deserve to live." The echo of the words she had spoken months ago filled the room and suddenly it felt too hot, too much, as they both faced too many truths.

Eventually, he realised their hands were still touching and neither had spoken to fill the abyss and he stretched back to lie onto the bed. "I think that is what really worries me about Jasper. He doesn't want to live but he genuinely doesn't want anyone else to either... After Miles and Connor..." his voice is choked and tight... "I thought I could do it, and after nearly ten years in the Skybox I though I just didn't care who lived and died, but I couldn't live with myself. I can't... It's not for me to decide."

"Do you think Jasper can change too? Before..." her question remained unfinished.

"I don't know," he responded honest as always. "You know, people used to believe in all these supposedly powerful gods who held people's fate in their hands. Some religions believed that you could atone for your crimes and still find peace. I don't know if I think that's true. I mean, surely you have to fix your own crimes.... I mean, I spent so long in the SkyBox thinking and reading about our ancestors and their mistakes and criticising them in my head but when it came down to it and I got an opportunity I did the same and I realise now we're all just the same... But ... I don't want to be the same. Does that make sense? I wish we could tell Jasper that - Don't punish others because of the pain you have received. Or something like that. I can't remember exactly the phrase from one of those religious books. I much prefer reading fiction texts."

Raven looked down at him from where she sat. It was probably the most she'd heard him say since his confession about his parents in the dropship that day. A few times, when she was mad, she'd considered telling that story to the others but she never had. She never would. And there she sat, studying the strong line of his jaw and the way it clenched as he held back the emotions which accompanied his words, and her heart ached with empathy. For John Murphy.

In that moment, she felt as though she could see him for the first time, ironically as they spent their final hours on earth together. She saw they weren't so different. They both had been brought up by unloving mothers who had made them cold. But...They had the same pain. They'd both made mistakes and given up. They had the same fears. And now, they both wanted to mend those mistakes. They had the same goals. She felt something for him she had never thought she'd feel. A connection. A realisation that there they were the two of them, together. They could erase those sins.

Thus, she took a breath and her words fell out in a rush. "I'm sorry too. For punishing you. I know it was partly my fault you ended up with Jaha and then at Polis. And what happened with Ontari..." she hears him audibly swallow. "Not that anyone would gossip or knows anything. Especially not Clarke, but I read the reports on your injuries as part of the Enquiry. Kane made me look at everything to ensure we hadn't missed anything." She went quickly on, "What I mean is she, Ontari, she shouldn't have done that to you." Her words hung in the air like bullets. Murphy shut his eyes and breathed out through his mouth. She knew she had said too much: "Please tell me to shut the fuck up. I have no idea what I was trying to do there. I should have stopped at sorry."

He breathed out a second time, his jaw clenched again, as he visibly battled with his emotions, "No, it's okay... my doctor tells me I should talk about these things as some kind of cathartic healing therapy... she's a princess though so what does she know," he laughed darkly at his own joke. "I know I should talk about it and air it to stop it adding to the things which eat away at me but, I mean it's hard to talk to about with Emori. I mean she knows, obviously, and she would totally listen but it's hard to just bring up from nowhere, so it's probably good you have started this conversation so I can try for some closure before the world ends."

He then went on but the snark had dropped from his voice, "Seriously, Reyes, I need to talk to someone. Ask me."

"Was it your first time?" Raven asked softly. "I mean that's nothing to be embarrassed by as obviously you were in the SkyBox for such a long time, your whole adolescence really that..." she trailed off. He was looking at her with something. _What was it? -_  Almost with pity, like there was something she and her stupid question would never know... Then, his arms moved to cover his face with what was that... shame... and everything suddenly hit her...

"Oh god," she gasped, her hand to her mouth. A sharp painful shock and realisation smacked her but one which must pale in significance to the pain he had endured over the years. _His distance. His anger. His hatred of adults. His disgust at being touched. His haunting vulnerability. A surge of anger ran through her: He was just a child; he should have been protected._

Not knowing what else to say, she apologised again, "I'm so sorry, John. I'm so sorry that happened to you." Beneath his arms, he visibly relaxed and nodded, accepting her words at least.

She lent her head back against the headboard and waited for him to speak when he was ready.

Finally he did, "You know it's weird, somehow surviving it all, and being here now, it's made me stronger. Stronger than I ever thought I'd be. And Ontari, although it brought it back in someways, it made me realise that I'm a survivor and I will be okay." She smiled at his last words but still didn't speak.

He carried on, his tone already signalling he was shifting the mood and the conversation, "You know I could make a joke about you losing it to Collins and his stupid hair being in some ways worse." She didn't laugh - it wasn't funny - not the comment about Finn - that was - but everything else. Instead, she sank down next to him, careful not to touch him, and together they lay comfortably, neither needing to speak for a while.

"What shall we do?" she asked him suddenly into the darkness.

"About what? The sex noise? Our fucked up lives? Our suspicions about Jasper? Your shitty choice in men?"

She smacked the bed lightly with the back of her hand and admonished, "Be serious."

He replied, "I don't know Rey. But time isn't up yet and, after all, tomorrow is another day... so let's get some sleep so you can come up with a master plan then because let's face it, I don't have the brains and Miller and Bryan will have blown theirs out of their dicks by then, so we need you fresh and well rested." As she dissolved back into shrieks of laughter, he lent up to click off the lamp before lying back down in the darkness beside her.

Instinctively, he reached out and took her hand and their fingers intertwined.

It really must be the end of the world she thought to herself: She didn't hate John Murphy anymore. Not one bit. Not at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't planned for their conversation to get so deep but it kind of evolved as I was writing and I felt it made sense when I consider his character but any feedback and thoughts would be appreciated.


	6. Later: Part IV

(Doomsday -38 hours)

When Murphy woke up, he felt confused, unused to such a peaceful sleep, so it took him a few moments to acclimatise and remember he was in a power station bunker awaiting news that their mission had failed and they would soon be getting fried by deadly radiation poisoning. _Ah Good Morning John_ , he thought grimly. He was lying facing the wall, with a warm body pressed close to his back and a hand was resting gently at his waistband between his hip and his t-shirt. _Raven. Shit._ He knew he should probably extricate himself straight way but he lay still, savouring her breathing and the way the fullness of her chest felt on his back, pushing out the part of his mind which was asking him what the hell he was doing. After a few minutes of enjoyment though, he realised he would have to move or it was going to get very very awkward, because as much as he was enjoying it, another treacherous part of him was the enjoying it too. Far too much.

Carefully, he shuffled to the bottom of the bed and gently stood up. Turning to look at her, his heartbeat beat audibly harder as he took in the sight of her: bed hair, slightly parted lips breathing steadily, no bra. _Okay, Murphy that's quite enough_.

Taking the radio with him, he stepped into the bunker. Miller was already up and standing over the stove with his back to him.

"Morning," he mumbled.

"Yeah, morning," Miller responded. "There's coffee."

Murphy put the radio on the table quickly and slipped into the small bathroom to use the toilet, brush his teeth and suppress all his lingering inappropriate thoughts about the girl, who wasn't his girlfriend, asleep in 'his' bed. Thoughts of their conversation last night raced back through his mind. He'd, once again, told her things he had never told anyone. He wasn't sure what made him do that: want to tell her things. It wasn't like he couldn't talk to Emori. He could. Just not like this. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and his huge dark-blue eyes looked back at him. _You're not in love with Raven. You're just infatuated with her. She's an incredible woman why wouldn't you be. But you need to stop this right now_.

Not entirely convinced, he headed back out and sat at the kitchen workshop with Miller and his surprisingly good coffee. Miller sat opposite and was trying, and failing, to get a signal on the radio, when Bryan emerged from the main bathroom, his hair wet, in just a pair of shorts, and joined them.

"Oh my god, the shower still works. And it was hot. I vote we live here...What's the news?"

"Nothing. No one is answering out there."

"You know they do say no news is ..." Murphy started. "Actually never mind. Clearly no one has ever said that because it's bullshit."

Bryan laughed and Miller gave up and went back to getting their breakfast.

A wolf whistle pierced the air. "Morning love birds. Looking good there this morning Bry." They turned to see Raven in the doorway of his room in the corner. "Pour me coffee, while I go to the bathroom and can someone get my brace," she ordered.

Slowly, she limped to the bathroom and Murphy got up to go into the second bedroom and get her brace. When he returned, Miller and Bryan were looking at him suspiciously. "What?" he asked.

"Didn't realise you and Raven were sooo close," Bryan said, while wriggling his eyebrows. Miller just glared at Murphy, who actually thought Miller might punch him.

"Don't be ridiculous. It obviously wasn't like that. She couldn't sleep, so she moved rooms. Oh and why couldn't she sleep, let's think? Oh yes, because our roommates were making so much sex noise."

Miller scoffed, "We weren't that loud," and Murphy immediately fell about laughing.

At that moment, Raven appeared and came over, picking up her brace from the chair next to Murphy to fasten it to her leg. "What's so funny?" she asked them.

"These two think the reason you were in my room was because we were banging because they can't believe they were making any noise."

Once again, the two broke into hysterical laughter, before she spoke to Bryan and Miller, "Trust me, people in space heard you, actually we wanted to go back there to escape." At this, the two other boys looked slightly embarrassed but she continued on, "Don't be embarrassed it's sweet. Enjoy each other while you have the chance." Murphy nodded in agreement.

They sat comfortably for a while eating breakfast, before the radio suddenly came to life.

"Rover, rover, this is base. Come in."

Crowded around the radio together, they listened carefully as Miller responded, "Base, base, this is Miller. Do you have any news, over?"

"This is Deacon, from the council, we have received numerous reports overnight. At 2200hours yesterday Target 1 was successfully deactivated. At 0430hours, Target 2 was successfully deactivated."

There was a long pause over the radio and Murphy saw Raven's hands clench the kitchen bench: her knuckles were white.

"Target 3 remains live. I repeat, Target 3 remains live. At 0200hours, Octavia Blake radioed to say they had reached the target but the mission had been compromised and they were unable to disable the target without a replacement engineer, over."

In the room, the four of them remained completely still, processing so many pieces of devastating information. Raven's plan had so nearly worked but her and Murphy's greatest fear had been realised: Jasper, it seemed, had proved them right. There were so many questions: At what stage had it gone wrong? Had Jasper made it to the destination? And of course, was he dead? Nobody seemed ready to put voice to those questions though, especially not the final one.

Raven battled with her emotions, feeling both despair and anger about the mission's failure and about what Jasper had maybe done. He was supposed to be her friend. She'd hoped, despite everything, he could do this. She grabbed the radio: "Base, this is Reyes; we are closest to Target 3. We could make it there in 8 hours in the rover and I could deactivate the station, over."

Deacon responded: "We discussed possible contingency plans after hearing the news earlier this morning. This did seem to be a possible option but Octavia Blake reported that the terrain on the way into the target was much more difficult than they had expected. They needed to climb and abseil in and, they lost several people, due to rock fall and as a result of such dangerous conditions. She said you'd volunteer to come. She said to tell you that even with someone carrying you," he paused, "you'd never make it alive."

"Fucccckkkkk!" Raven hurled her coffee mug at the wall in frustration. It shattered and fell to the floor.

Deacon's voice broke in again, "Abby Griffin set off from here four hours ago, at 0330, with a team travelling on horseback. She said she was the only person who might be able to get there on time, over."

They all looked at each other, frantically calculating in their minds.

Raven spoke again: "Deacon, did Octavia say how longer it took them to get to the Target?"

"She said 42 hours but it could be done several hours quicker, as they faced some...complications, over."

"Deacon, stay on the radio, we're going to come back to you, over and out for now."

Raven was already gesticulating to Murphy to get the maps and they quickly spread them on the table.

"So even if she did it in forty hours, it wouldn't leave enough time for her to deactivate the station," Miller spoke, "so we've got to buy her as much time as possible, right?" He already knew what Raven was thinking as they all pored over the map.

"I think we'll meet them here, if they're travelling on horseback, Bryan pointed, "if we set off now, it'll be a thirteen hour drive from here and they'll have been travelling for seventeen hours from base." The others recalculated and agreed.

Raven was all action now. "We'll get Deacon to radio Abby the coordinates. If we rendezvous there and then carry on in the rover, we will cover more ground quickly. It should give us five hours before we hit the mountains and need to head out on foot, which will hopefully leave enough time in the station."

They all moved at once. Raven to the radio, where she systematically and calmly corresponded to Deacon the updated plan. Murphy scoured the room and checked Raven's equipment, before heading out to the reload the rover, Bryan scrambled back to his room to get dressed and grab the rest of their stuff, while Miller followed Murphy out. Less than fifteen minutes later, the three boys were dressed and ready by the rover, when Raven came out. To their surprise, she didn't look ready.

"Octavia is right, I'll slow you down. I'll stay here with the other radio. You can come back for me." Murphy noticed she used 'can'. Her positive modal verb choice in stark contrast to his own the night before. She believed in Abby. She thought she could do it.

"There's four of them," she went on, "in Abby's team that is, including Abby, who all probably should all go with you, so really only two of you should go. Otherwise, there won't be enough space in the rover with all the equipment and, most likely, someone is getting turfed out into grounder territory."

Bryan and Murphy looked at each other, knowing it had to be one of them, as Miller had assisted Raven the day before, and, they knew was infinitely more capable than both of them on this type of mission. "I'll stay with Raven," volunteered Bryan.

"No, you go, doesn't seem fair to split up love's young dream. In case..." Raven's words trailed off. In case they didn't make it. They might crash, get a puncture, get hit by the rock landslide Octavia had reported. As always, there were variables.

The boys all looked nervously at each other before Miller spoke: "Are you sure you'll be okay here with Murphy?" Murphy felt he should be slightly insulted but with his track record, and their current more pressing concerns, he couldn't actually summon up any indignation.

Raven smiled wryly, "What's he going to do to me, Miller? Shoot me? Wait - is that Too soon?" It wasn't. All four of them laughed and Bryan put his arms out, wrapping one around Raven and one around Murphy and guided them together with Miller for a four-way hug/huddle.

"We've come this far and I am proud to have been in this group with you all," Bryan started. "We're coming back for you tomorrow. And it's probably for the best Murphy stays here because his driving is absolutely shit." They all laughed again and Bryan hugged both Raven and, to his surprise, Murphy, separately. Miller hugged Raven hard and offered his hand to Murphy. "Look after our girl," he warned him, before dragging Bryan into the rover. He wanted to get going. And with that, they left Raven and Murphy standing watching the vehicle disappear from sight into the morning sun. 

Following this, Raven and Murphy headed back into the bunker; there didn't seem much else to do. Raven showered and Murphy did the dishes and tidied up before he showered and she tidied up. They found themselves less than an hour later drifting awkwardly around each other. It was going to be a long day ahead, so Murphy wandered back into his room in an attempt to go back to sleep.

After a while though, he realised it was futile and returned to the main living area, where Raven was lying on the couch reading his copy of 'Catcher in the Rye.'

She glanced up, "Your book is shit. What the hell is this guy's problem? He needs to get some real Ark-style problems. He's a complete pussy." Murphy laughed and she added, "Please tell me it's not your favourite."

Murphy shook his head, "No. It's supposed to be an American classic. A journey of self discovery and I thought it would be apt. I thought the protagonist would be your type though." He paused and then added for good measure, "Does he remind you of anyone?"

She looked at him, confused, and shook her head before putting the book down, "This is stupid. We can't do anything. We can't change the outcome of anything here. Let's go outside and not waste this time. Plus, you really could do with that Vitamin D."

So the two of them headed out. It was another nice day, not as stifling as the one before but still setting up to be a hot, clear day. Raven wanted to head over to the cliff tops, which looked a few miles in the distance, so he let her lead across the fields surrounding them. He imagined at one time the area was probably grey and desolate, with nature blocked out by the eyesore of a power station behind them. But the last century had allowed the earth to start to heal and now long grass and wildflowers threatened to overcome the surrounding area.

As they approached the edge of the meadows, the wind picked up slightly and they could smell the unmistakable saltiness of the sea. In front of him, Raven stopped suddenly and Murphy bumped into her, partly because of the sudden stop and partly because his gaze had been fixed firmly on her arse and not on their destination. He went to apologise but she wasn't really listening; she was gazing at the breathtaking view below, where a deserted sandy beach gave way to a sea as cobalt-blue as it looked from space. They stood there for a long time, drinking it in.

"I wish we could go down there," Raven sighed.

"Why can't we?" he asked.

She looked at him with slightly annoyed disbelief, "I didn't bring my bungee cord or my drop ship."

He nodded along to her right. "I think that's actually a pretty clear way down. It looks like big steps almost. I reckon we could get down easily enough," he pointed. She looked over and he could see she was calculating angles.

"Okay what have we got to lose," she agreed and they headed over. He was right, as the first part was easy enough. It was only when they had almost reached the bottom, where she seemed to find it tougher and he offered her his help. "Can you carry me?" she asked, looking at him doubtfully. "I think you probably weigh less than me!"

He turned and picked her up easily over his shoulder and stepped down the last bit, before planting her firmly on the sand. She seemed to lose her balance slightly and he reached out to steady her, resting his hand gently on her hip. "Err, thanks, guess you're stronger than I thought."

Then, they kicked off their shoes and socks and allowed the hot, silky sand to massage over their feet, before slumping down on it.

They lay there for a long time, not speaking, just breathing the salt-tinged breeze and watching the surf crash and foam. Murphy thought how Raven had been right. This was a perfect ways to spend their time. At first, the shade of the rocks loomed over them, protecting them from the sun during the hottest part of the day. However, eventually, as the afternoon went on, they were left in the glare of the sun and Murphy pulled a hat out of his pocket to protect his forehead.

Eventually, Raven broke their comfortable silence, "I'm hot."

Glancing over at her, he saw a sheen of perspiration covering her face, neck and chest and that her tank was sticking to her tout abdominals. _Yes, you are really fucking hot_ , he thought to himself before deliberately looking at the sea again.

"Shall we swim?" she looked at him questioningly.

He looked back at her like she was crazy, "Oh yes, in the sea by a nuclear power station. Bound to be lovely. And completely safe and not at all likely to make our body parts deformed." She was still looking at him expectantly, "No fucking way. I'm not coming in. I don't want anything precious to drop off."

His tone was clearly final because she laughed and gave up on him. "Fine. I can go in alone. I am a big girl." At that, she rose her arms above her head and pulled off her tank, leaving her in the fantasy bra from yesterday. _She's actually trying to kill me_ , he thought looking away. He heard her stand up next to him and, as she did, she placed a steadying hand on his head, before taking off her brace and shimmying out of her combat-style trousers. She stepped in front of him then, heading towards the water in just her pants and bra. Murphy didn't look away. When she reached the water's edge, she stepped in up to her ankles before almost jumping back.

"Cold? Or Poisoned?" he shouted.

That seemed to spur her on. He noticed the way her head tilted with determination and she braced herself. In one smooth move, she whipped her bra over her head and threw it on the sand behind her, exposing her tanned back. He still didn't look away, instead his eyes were drawn from her lean shoulders to the enticing curved arch at the bottom of her back. Then, her hands hooked over the side of her pants. _Do not look_ , he told himself firmly. He couldn't move his eyes. _Don't look,_ he thought again more desperately. But he did look. He looked as she exposed the remainder of her body and an ass that was even more deliciously curvaceous than in his fantasies. And he kept looking as she walked back into the water, which submerged her inch by inch in a way that was tantalising and incredibly erotic. He wasn't sure if he had ever been as turned on. He shut his eyes for a minute and listened to her gentle splashing. Then he opened them again. _Oh shut up,_ he told his conscience: _I am a dying man._

He was surprised how long she stuck it out in the water. He wasn't sure how much of it was to prove her point but she seemed to be enjoying herself. Eventually she shouted over, "Ermm Murphy, I need to get out. Can you not look?"

He lay down flat and shut his eyes and he heard her leave the water and collect her underwear before she made her way back and rejoined him on the sand. He lay there for a moment, acutely aware she wasn't getting dressed.

"Ermm are you going to get dressed?" he asked.

"I need to dry off first. Otherwise my clothes will just be soaking. I'll just lie here."

Murphy kept his eyes shut and tried to get the image of a 'soaking' Raven Reyes, lying naked next to him, out of his head. It wasn't working. "Do you want my t-shirt?" He offered in an attempt to get her to cover up.

"No stupid. You'll be burnt to a crisp without it." So they lay there, feeling the afternoon sun's rays against them and lost themselves for a little while, before Raven announced she was worried about his alabaster skin setting on fire if they didn't move and pulled her clothes back on, so he could finally open his eyes again. Not that it mattered, seeing her with her tousled damp hair, and damp clothes clinging to her set him off again. He was glad he was walking behind her on the way back and that she hadn't looked around much because he wasn't sure he could deal with the embarrassment. 

  
By the time they got back, he was surprised that it was late afternoon. Raven took a shower, while he tried the radio. According to Deacon, both teams had radioed in and were still safe and en route but no one was expected at the meeting point for about four hours. He was acutely aware they were now approaching the twenty four hour mark. He occupied himself with making sandwiches and coffee from the supplies they had left.

After they'd eaten, Raven returned to the couch and tried again with 'Catcher in the Rye', while Murphy poked around in the bedrooms hoping to find a pack of cards. Instead, in a cabinet he found a sealed bottle of vintage whiskey and a pile of books, all of which he grabbed and brought back with him into the lounge. As he went to grab a kitchen chair, Raven nodded at the couch, indicating there was plenty space, so he sank down into the other end and took a cautious drink of the whiskey. It was strong but surprisingly still good. He passed it to Raven and looked through the books: 'White Noise' and 'Fahrenheit 451' he'd read before and they seemed strangely alien to him, on a planet with so few people. Instead, he opted for a teen fiction novel about a volcano exploding in a place called Yellowstone, which was surprisingly pretty good and the teenage boy narrator was, shockingly, not a dick.

They lay there reading for what seemed like hours, occasionally passing the bottle back and forward. Every once in a while, Murphy looked up as Raven made a derisive snort.

Finally she spoke, "Okay you're right. I clearly see what you were getting at. This guy has a very Finn-like quality about him," she admitted.

"Ha!!!! I knew you would recognise him... Didn't you call the character a pussy as well?" Murphy revelled in his victory for a bit.

After a while, she spoke again, "Why did you hate him? Finn I mean. Not this Houlden. I mean, I know you said you hated everyone but you seemed to especially hate Finn."

He sighed and looked at her over his book, "Because I'm a twat and he was privileged and cocky and everything just seemed so easy for him. I remember thinking it when I saw him in the dropship. He took his seatbelt off and he was floating and he didn't seem concerned we were falling to the ground at a zillion miles per hour on a suicide mission. I was jealous I guess. Jealous someone could be so carefree after the Skybox." _And jealous because he had you and I wanted you_. This obviously remained unspoken.

"Yeah I could see that must have been really irritating. It's weird as that confidence was what always drew me to him. I knew how idiotic and childish he could be but he had this way making me want to seize the day and I went with it when we were kids." She paused for a long time, "And, and... when he suggested the space walk." She suddenly sped up and her words fell out in short jumbled sentences, "It was me. All the time. Not him. It was me who did it. I knew better and he was punished for it when it went wrong. I should have been in the brig. Not him. I knew better. I should have told him no."

Murphy didn't say anything. He just put his book down and looked at her, waiting for her to go on.

"I think that all the time. How different things would have been if I'd just admitted to my crime. But he insisted. And I was so selfish because I wanted to be the youngest Zero-G mechanic and I thought he'd be okay because his family were rich and well thought of."

Again, he didn't say anything. Instead, he shuffled forward and laid his arm over the top of the couch.

She took a deep breath, "So I don't blame you. I never really did. I really blamed myself."

Suddenly in light that confession, Collins didn't seem so pathetic to Murphy. He'd sacrificed himself for Raven. He'd given up his freedom for the girl he loved. Murphy said that out loud, "He did it because he loved you Raven. He thought it was the right thing to do. And if I'm honest, he was probably right. We wouldn't have been able to do half this stuff without you and your training."

She went on, "I wonder in my head about all the things that one decision might have changed. I mean, not necessarily everything, because maybe some things would have still worked out the same: maybe he'd still have met Clarke, fallen for her, left me anyway. Maybe he'd still have died later at Mount Weather; so many maybes but I still feel bad about it. I can't help thinking that he would still be here, alive and smiling that goofy smile somewhere if we hadn't swapped places. Being in the SkyBox didn't break him but being in the first wave of Arkers on this planet probably did."

"You can't think like that Reyes. I read this book about time travel once about this guy who tried to go back and get a dinosaur and ended up changing his own present...I'm not sure why that is relevant..." 

His comment allowed her to change the subject and she did. "You like to read, don't you?"

"Yeah, there wasn't much else to do in the SkyBox."

"You often make references I don't get, which I assume are allusions to stuff you've read... like yesterday you said something about us not having a 'Round the Twist' machine to duplicate me. 

He laughed, "That's from a really old children's book. It's not exactly the Odyssey."

"Have you read that?"

"Err yes. But don't tell Blake. He might want to start talking to me and I don't need that. To be honest, I read anything I found. I'm not fussy. I was just very bored for a very long time."

Despite his comment, she could see that he was smart. She realised it now. She felt as though she could see him better now and imagined him isolated with only his books for company. It filled her with an unmistakeable sense of sadness.

She wondered again how different things would been if she had been on the dropship or in the SkyBox and she'd met Murphy then. They weren't so different in character: snarky, hard edged, careful not to let people in. She admired his stoicism and his ability to recover from things which would have broken someone else.

And, as much as she wanted to deny it, she was finding herself more and more attracted to him. Those eyes. His lips. The three day stubble which covered his face and made him even more striking. The way he looked at her with such intensity. In many ways, he was a better match for her than Bellamy ever was and, despite herself, she wondered if she would have gone to his tent if she'd seen him on that day because she was undeniably sexually attracted to him. This realisation hit her but didn't shock her as much as it once would have. She would definitely have chosen him above Wick, who let's face it, she'd only fucked because he was there and she was out of options. She wondered if that's what this was. Maybe if Bryan had stayed she would have suddenly started fantasising about him... no that really wasn't it... _She fancied John Murphy_.

She'd felt his eyes on her while they were on the beach earlier. She hadn't been offended by it. His gaze had stirred something within her and spurred her on to strip off her clothes before she'd entered the water. As she lay there on the sand next to him, she'd studied him: Murphy had lain there with his eyes closed like she'd told him to and her eyes had swept down over his body. Although still very slim, his muscle tone was visible. Her eyes had lingered on his upper arms and chest, which were now showing signs that he was becoming a man before sweeping down to his groin. As she took in the substantial bulge, straining against his trousers, she was overcome with desire and had clenched her thighs together to stop her rolling onto him. She could see physically how much he wanted her though.

While her mind had wandered, he had gone back to looking at his book but he didn't seem to be reading it.

"What are you thinking?" she asked him.

He lent back against the end of the couch and sighed: 'That in less than a day we might be as extinct as the dinosaur. And I probably should have brought you a better book. Here drink some more whiskey, maybe it'll make Finn Houlden less of a pussy."

She laughed. And then the unspoken illicit thoughts in her head fell out, in a rush of word vomit, "I want to ask you to have sex with me. But I shouldn't because it's not fair." Her voice was husky and high but filled with need. 

He sat back up with a start. "What because it's probably the end of the world and we can't make rational decisions or because you think I'm vulnerable and you'd be taking advantage?" 

"No, because you have a girlfriend and it's a shitty and selfish thing to do. And didn't we talk about being not shitty and selfish." 

She was completely and totally right. _They really couldn't do it. Absolutely totally not._

"Ask me." He couldn't stop himself. His eyes burned into hers and he held his breath.

"Before I do, I just want to say, seriously, you can say no. I have a tendency to jump men in moments of distress and life or death situations. That's how I ended up with Wick and Bellamy." Again, she wondered how different it would have been if she had met him before. She said it aloud. "I've been sitting here looking at you and wondering what would have happened if one of those maybes was 'maybe I'd met you first.'"

"What? Like if we'd had some kind magical sexual encounter, then maybe I would not have gone and killed people and you wouldn't have banged Wick the Ark-supremacist... Nah, we would probably have killed each other. Way too much snark here for this to have been a good match straight away." 

He was so right. She'd probably have still hated him back then. But now, fuck, she wanted him.

He continued, "Has my talking put you off the idea? Surely me running my mouth has. Plus, I'm not sure I can follow Bellamy Blake."

"It hasn't put me off at all. I don't want to think about them. I want your mouth on me. I want you to taste me. If we're going to die tomorrow, I want you to be the last man who fucks me."

He was not sure exactly what happened next because his vision blurred and his senses heightened and the next thing he knew they had crashed into each other's mouths in the middle of the sofa. She dragged him down onto her, clutching his t-shirt roughly, while their tongues explored one another's mouths. Immediately, she could feel him hard against her and she groaned as she opened her legs and rubbed herself against him, enjoying the friction. It had been too long. Her hands threaded through his hair and she pulled him even closer, gasping as his hands explored under her top. 

Murphy knew he was completely totally gone. If he'd been able to see his own eyes, he knew they'd be blown with lust. He kissed down the smooth skin of her neck, nipping and biting, as she ground hard and steady against him. Then, he felt his t-shirt being tugged urgently and he lifted his arms to help Raven pull it over his head. She followed, sitting up slightly to pull off her tank and then her bra in quick succession, leaving them both topless. Murphy looked down and tried to suppress a filthy groan as he took her in. She roughly pulled him back down, missing the pressure and he kissed and sucked his way down her neck and between the swell of her breasts. The noise she made in her throat and the way she bucked against him when he first licked the hard peak of her nipple nearly undid him, before she encouraged him on. Then, he felt her hands rub against him and she went to unfasten his belt.

"Murp, I need you in me, but I need to get up to take my brace and pants off."

She struggled against him slightly and he moved to help her and picked her up so she was straddling his waist. He moved them over to the sideboard and perched her on the end, so they could hastily remove her brace together. She unfastened her pants and pushed both them and her underwear off as Murphy firmly held her in place. Then, she grabbed his hand, placing his palm against her core to allow him to find the right spot and insert a finger inside her. He worked hard against it and she arched back involuntarily. Her could feel how wet she was and the way her body was pulsing against him. She encouraged him on: "There, John, please don't stop, I just need a little more and then I'm going to go over."

He leant in again and captured her breast with his mouth, not breaking his ministrations. Her heavy panting and cursing and downright filthy gasping went on. She had a nerve criticising Bryan, he thought, considering how loud she was being. He loved it though and his cock strained against his pants, still dangerously close to going off, without her even touching him. He licked down her right breast and changed up the motion of his wrist and pressed hard against her clit, once, twice and a third time, when he felt her clench down on him and her head fell back as she gasped out sporadically for several seconds. He stilled a moment and allowed her to catch her breath as he laid his forehead against her chest. Seconds later, he felt her hands at his dick, jerking open his buttons and frantically pulling down his pants. "Same pressure and I think I can go again," she panted into his mouth. "I can't usually but I am so turned on. I want you in me." 

He held her in place, steadying her against the edge of the cabinet, lining himself against her, both of them groaning as his tip brushed her clit again. Suddenly, she caught the side of his face gently, her eyes meeting with his intently as she asked: "Are you sure?"

Her words were almost too much; he almost lost it right then. Every part of him ached with need. He always knew he wanted Raven Reyes but until he was about to take her, he never knew how much. He kissed her deeply, letting his mouth give his reply and smoothly pushed inside before breaking free and panting into her mouth, "Fuucccckkkk, thank you so much for asking me to do this."

She laughed as they found their rhythm, "Trust me, thank you. And thank you for confirming that rumour about skinny guys. This is really working for me." It was working for him too. The delicious friction was pulling him closer and closer. He reached between them again and felt her start to clench once more, as his balls tightened and he knew he had to pull out. Placing one hand on the side, he began to withdraw knowing he was seconds away. Her legs tightened around his waist and tugged him back forcefully, "Implant. Please I'm begging you. I need..." Her words cut off though, as she got exactly what she needed and cried out and then all Murphy could feel was the most intense rush and then blackness as he followed her over. 

When he he came around, they were still joined and slicked with sweat. His cock still twitched and his body was buzzing. Beneath him, Raven was lent back panting and he knew he'd never see anything more beautiful. 

"Well, now it totally makes sense to me," he told her.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Why Collins went to jail for you of course!" he responded.

She smacked him, "I'm beginning to think you had a hardon for him. You are obsessed with him!"

They looked at each other for a moment, neither wanting to break the spell, when she added, "If you're not too tired, I could go another round. Something worth going to prison for."

He leant in and kissed her gently, "Yeah why not. We've got some time left." Then, he lifted her up and carried her towards his room.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple of quick notes:
> 
> Yes I changed perspective from Murphy to Raven but I was worried I'd made him too creepy and wanted to show she was into it. 
> 
> And always use condoms. I just wanted to stay in-canon and they don't see to exist any more in the post-apocalyptic 100 world.


	7. Later: Part V: Beginning of the End

(Doomsday ?-10 hours... maybe?)

Like the day before, when he woke up he knew a significant amount time had gone by. He awoke to complete stillness and peace, alongside relative darkness but, despite this, he knew they were well into the next day. This was something he'd experienced previously, in A.L.I.E.'s bunker, but rather than the suffocating fear he felt there, here he felt safe, comfortable and sated. It seemed ironic that the best sleep he had experienced in the last ten years had been when the timer was running down on his life. If you'd told him that during his ever wakeful time, contemplating his expiry date, in the SkyBox, he wouldn't have believed it.

Choosing not to open his eyes, he breathed in deeply, enjoying the warmth of the naked body half-sprawled over him. _Her body: Raven's body_. Inhaling, he took in the scent of her hair: a mix of lingering sea salt, citrus fruit and the raw unmistakable scent of sex. He was already hard and he forced himself to lie still, not wanting to wake her and break the magic, which hung over the morning - fragile, as though one over-zealous touch would fracture it.

After lying comfortably for a while, he recognised a shift in her breathing and realised she was awake too. Her hands began to run up and down his arms, down his torso, across his stomach and then along his thighs, gently fingering and caressing, in a way which was both ticklish and a turn on. He continued to feign sleep, enjoying the feathery movement of her fingers and picturing lurid flashes of the night before, as she lay with her leg hooked over him and her centre pressed enticingly against his hip. He remembered being between her legs, deep between her thighs, looking up at her, as she keened uncontrollably, with her head thrown back and her hands grabbing his hair and the top of the bed simultaneously. _Fuck. What had they done._ Well, he knew what they had done: banged each other's brains out into the early hours of the morning, with complete and total abandonment. He flushed with heat, as the memories washed over him.

His thoughts were interrupted though, as she gripped and cupped him firmly with both hands and awoke him from his reverie, and he growled filthily, "That's one hell of a wake up."

"Please - You were already awake. And seriously enjoying my groping. Don't lie."

"Such bullshit. I'm tired. It is not yet near day. It was the nightingale, and not the lark, That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear."

She laughed loudly at his reference. "Ermmm ... something about ....It is the lark and the candles are... burnt?"

He replied without hesitation, "I am content, so thou wilt have it so.  
I’ll say yon grey is not the morning’s eye.  
'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia’s brow.  
Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat  
The vaulty heaven so high above our heads.  
I have more care to stay than will to go.  
Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so.—  
How is ’t, my soul? Let’s talk. It is not day."

His eyes burnt into hers, and while he spoke, he traced her lips with his fingers. As he finished, his voice wavered slightly, hoarse and scratchy with desire.

"Wow. That was fucking hot but no fair, I can't remember anymore. We did it back on the Ark when we were about fourteen. But I remember thinking, and saying to our batty old English teacher, that it was a complete waste of time. Who needs ancient plays when you live on a spaceship?"

He propped himself up on one elbow and looked at her in mock outrage. "Are you kidding? Those themes are universal and timeless. Family Rivalry. Hate. Love. Fucking. Fighting. When's that going to get old?"

"Urgh. You sound like Finn. He loved English. And, that reminds me, he was always trying to emulate Romeo in order to get in my pants, by writing crap poetry."

Murphy slumped back down on to the bed with an exaggerated groan. "Way to kill a moment. Great. No. More. Shakespeare."

They lay there momentarily silent, before he moved to get up. Almost a reflex, her hand reached out and caught his wrist. "Don't get up. I'm not ready to face it yet. Can we stay here for a bit longer?" He moved back towards her and lay down again. As he did, she rolled fully on top of him, grinding her hips against him, her legs straddling the sides of his thighs and huskily said: "I didn't mean it. The quotes. It was hot. Really hot. I'm already ready for you. I've been waiting for you to wake up. I want you in me again."

And she was ready. He could feel her heat, spreading against him and he knew there was no way he was getting out of that bed right then. He lent up and went to capture her lips and she shirked her head away from him embarrassed, muttering about her breath. Her caught her jaw, and caressed it firmly, "Ray, I want to kiss you, and then I'm going to make you come so hard around my cock. Don't worry about anything else. Is that clear?" Desperately, she nodded in response and let him lean in again to kiss her deeply, his hands still holding her face. They lost themselves completely in the kiss, before she eventually broke away.

"That was less Shakespearean."

"Does that bother you?"

"No, I thought you figured out last night that I like that filthy mouth."

Without anymore preamble, she lifted herself, resting on his shoulders, and prepared to lower herself onto him, before pausing to check, "Is this okay? Tell me to slow down or stop remember."

"Raven, it's more than okay." And with that, they both lost themselves once more.

When they came around again, he knew they had to get up. They both knew they had to get up. As she stood at the end of the bed pulling on her pants, he studied her. Her back was covered in red scratches and, when she turned around, he could clearly see light bruises on her hips, while her lips, nipples and chest were still swollen and heavy, showing signs of where he'd feasted on her. Once again, his body responded, even though he'd just had her, and he swallowed his urges and committed the image of her to his memory, alongside the one of the first day her saw her, almost two years ago.

She looked at him, square in the face and smiled at him. "I think you've got a nerve saying Bryan and Miller shot their brains out their dicks. Come on, let's get dressed, relocate my bra, find your wits and try the radio."

And with that, she turned and headed into the living area, still topless. Sighing, he followed her, grabbing his own pants and a clean t-shirt, before heading to the bathroom. When he joined her, she was listening to the static on the radio, fully dressed, which disappointed him slightly. Her being dressed and the static. He realised he didn't want to know if they had deactivated the final station. He wanted to stop time. Maybe for the first time in his life, he realised he valued it. He wanted more of it; he wanted more time with her.

Just then though, the radio crackled to light, shattering the illusion they had built.

"Raven, Murphy. This is Rover. Can you read us? Over."

The unmistakeable sound of Bryan's voice came over the radio, brimming with emotions: joy, relief, exhaustion, hope. They knew what he was going to say before he said it.

The following conversation between Bryan and Raven was a blur, as everything crashed down. They'd made it. Five hours away in the Rover. Something about letting Murphy drive back, as they'd been pretty much awake for 30 hours ( _how late was it anyway_?). Miller kept shouting 'Thank you!' to Raven over Bryan's babbled transmission. Everything seemed too loud, broken shards of information piercing into him. Then he heard Bryan's final, "Coming to get you bitches, over and out."

Then, silence fell over the room, infecting it and sucking out the air. They both sat completely still at the table, suffocated by the realisation of their success. It was as though they'd poisoned their own survival: the very thing they'd been fighting for. For a very long time, she rested her head on her forearms. He didn't dare speak. Eventually, she looked back up and her eyes were filled with tears. "Hey, was last night that bad?!" he asked, quirking an eyebrow, attempting to bring humour to the situation. Instead, he sucked the final morsel of oxygen out of the room and, rather than answering his question, she got up quickly, as though he'd hit her with his words, and stepped away from both the table and him.

"I think I need some air for a bit. I'll be back." With that, she turned and stiffly walked away.

Left alone in the bunker, the enormity of what they'd done assaulted him. He'd had sex with Raven Reyes. Not just sex. Jesus, he'd licked and explored every part of her. He'd released himself on and in her. It wasn't just the sex though. It was the level of intimacy. And now, suddenly, it wasn't the end of the world and they had to go back to their lives. _Emori. Christ, he really was the lowest of the low_. Hot shame rushed at him and flooded him with intense images of the night before.

Eventually, several long hours later when she hadn't come back, he realised he had to go after her, before Bryan and Miller got there.

At first, he headed towards the cliffs, but he found only the view, stretched out endlessly, promisingly into the horizon. He breathed gulps of air and attempted to cleanse his mind, his body and his conscience. He remembered the promises he'd made to himself in the previous months and resolved, no matter what, to put other people's feelings and happiness above his own.

Turning, he headed back towards the power plant. It was as he retraced his steps over the meadows, when he spotted her, sitting in the shadows beneath a tree. Cautiously, he approached her, breathing deeply, suddenly overcome by everything, until he found himself facing her directly and their eyes locked. It was his eyes then, which suddenly filled with tears he couldn't push away. Somehow, despite saving the world, a part of him couldn't help feeling like it was the end of something.

She raised an eyebrow, "Seriously, was it that bad?"

Simultaneously, they both crack up at her repeating his earlier poor-taste joke, and he slumped down next to her, with a sigh.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"What for?" she asked. 

"I have no idea. Everything. Dunno. I'm getting better at saying it, so I thought it might help or something."

"We did it. We saved the world."

"We? I'm pretty sure a lot of that was you, Raven Reyes!"

"We all did it. It took all of us. And I am glad. We wanted to survive and now we get a chance to do that. An opportunity to start again."

He nodded in agreement but didn't speak for a moment; he was struggling to hold back his emotions.

Eventually he replied, "I know... I think it might be the first time I feel happy for other people...I want them to be able to live... I want that for you, and the others... But...." He groaned, "She doesn't deserve this. She will have been waiting for me, completely unaware that I'm a cheating arsehole. How am I going to tell her?"

Raven looked at him and spoke softly, "Hey, I won't tell her. Why would I? Seriously, try not to feel bad. We both needed this. God, I wanted..." she trailed off, not wanting to say more and then restarted, "I don't want to make you keep a secret - I wouldn't do that, considering... I mean, I'm not ashamed or anything but I know you wouldn't ever want to hurt her and so she never needs to know. No one does." 

She continued on, "This was about me and you. And the fact we thought it was the end of the world. I just needed some space to deal with everything which has happened. I'm not mad at you. Or myself really. It happened. But it was between us. Just us. No one else."

 _Just us_. Her words echoed and he lent his forehead against hers, breathing in her scent. "Thank you, Rey. I won't forget. Thank you for everything. For it all." And then he kissed her. He kissed her hard; his lips said all the things he wanted to say: _Thank you. For saving us all. For forgiving me. For the last two nights. For listening to my confessions. For being you. I lo...._

He blocked it out and, instead, kissed her like it was the end of the world; kissed her goodbye; kissed her with all the things he couldn't say.

Eventually, totally out of breath, they broke apart, gasping, leaning against one another. She kissed him tenderly one more time, almost savouring the feel of his lips and then stood up and stepped away, not meeting his eyes. "Come on you - that's the rover; I can hear them beeping as they approach."

With that, she turned and walked away from him, without looking behind, back towards the power station; towards the rover; towards the world they were going to rebuild; towards a new life.

Standing in the warm shade of the late afternoon sun, he watched her go: the girl he had always wanted - She had been his, just for a little while but now... Now, he had to let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I had planned out a few more angsty encounters when they return home but it could end here, as it does feel like a conclusion.


	8. Afterwards: Part I

When Raven woke up, the first thing she forcefully reminded herself was that it really was a good day to be alive. Despite the shocking hangover she could immediately feel beating ferociously against the inside of her head and despite the fact she needed to extricate herself from the bed of last night's date, who directly correlated to both of the problems she currently faced. _It's a good day to be alive, Reyes,_ she muttered through gritted teeth, quietly though so not to wake her bed partner.

Stealthily and slowly - although who was she kidding because slow was her only speed on a moonshine hangover - she climbed out of bed and located her clothes, before escaping and creeping back through the village and to her own hut to grab her washbag and head to the communal washrooms.

As she showered, she tried to wash off both her hangover and her sexual frustration because, despite her best efforts, last night had been a bust. I mean how many times did she have to try and show him where to touch her? It wasn't that he didn't seem like a nice guy. He did. Harper had introduced them, saying Raven could do with a good man (okay she hadn't said man, she'd said another four letter word which rhymed with sock) and while they'd hung out a few times and got on well enough, the third night they'd spent in bed together, proved to Raven that they just had no spark. Well, really, she knew that after the first go around but she was never one to give up early or easy. The truth was though he just wasn't doing it for her. Under the luke-warm water of the shower, she considered getting herself off to relieve the constant ache she felt most days but knew, in doing so, she would let in images of him and she was trying to block him out. _Who would have thought it: I've been ruined for other men by John fracking Murphy._ This at least did make her laugh to herself as she got dressed, even though her wretched hangover raged on and made her start to the day incredibly slow.

Refusing to allow herself anymore time for self-pity, Raven headed over to the reservoir and water routes they were restoring just outside the settlement. Harper was already there, overseeing the works and she greeted Raven with a knowing smile.

"Yeah - I'm late I know. Moonshine is kicking my arse. It's a good job Monty won't be back for a bit because I think we need to lay off the stuff. It can't be doing us any good and we're supposed to be the beginning of a new world. I swear I didn't even drink that much." 

Harper laughed and offered her a flask of water. "Don't worry - Bellamy's already been through this morning. He left his minions to do attendance and checks and I told them you were already here. Not that it matters: you are the boss. Plus," she continued, "I was hoping you were lying back on your hot arse getting some, so I didn't mind covering for you."

Raven groaned, "Can we not?"

"That bad again?! Wow, I thought he was really hot. He looked like he would know what he was doing as well."

Raven sighed, "He is a really nice guy. Just all the gear with no idea."

Harper responded optimistically, "You could train him."

"No. Absolutely not. I'm not going there again," Raven responded resolutely. "Would you have done that with Monty? If you thought it was worth a shot because he's a good guy?" she added.

"Nah, Monty and I were a end-of-the-world short time thing. Nice while it lasted but definitely not a long-term relationship. Plus, I'm pretty sure I don't have all the right gear for Monty's preferred type and I hope that he's getting a chance to explore those options out there making a fresh start."

Raven nodded, understanding all too well Harper's point about something not being for their new world. The real world where they now stood.

After their exchange, Harper headed up stream and Raven stood alone, lost in her own thoughts momentarily.

It was several months after the events with the power stations and when they returned home, it was clear a new era was dawning. The celebrations which had followed their return had allowed them to solidify the uneasy peace they had made with the other nations in the wake of A.L.I.E. The clan leaders had come together and decided each of them would be made up of a Council to whom any leader would be accountable. In the case of the Sky People, they decided to remove the Chancellor position all together and some of the other nations followed suit, still scarred by the recent events. These councils would then make up a new world government, where they would all be represented. No one thought it would be easy but the sentiment itself was there. Elections were held and Kane, Bellamy, Clarke, Deacon were unsurprisingly elected amongst others for the Sky People's council. Abby had chosen not to stand, instead putting herself forward to run the Health Authority, safe in the knowledge they were in good hands.

As part of the ongoing peace negotiation, Clarke and Bellamy had submitted the idea of integrated societies: the idea was that people from all different clans would live together in new and old settlements. The response was surprisingly positive. Their arguments reiterated that so much of the violence and bloodshed and retaliation had been bred from fear and lack of understanding of one another and it was this which they needed to overcome if they weren't to repeat the mistakes of those before. Thus, all the clans agreed to redistribute at least fifty percent of their population and offered incentives for volunteers. The remaining members of the 100 were quick to volunteer, including Monty, Octavia and Murphy, who were appointed town ambassadors, alongside influential grounders, and had moved away to new settlements, determined to integrate and not repeat the mistakes they'd already made. Kane and Abby, also keen to lead by example, had moved into a large Trikru community. Raven, Bellamy, Harper, Miller and Bryan had settled in what was to be their new - as yet nameless (they'd all agreed Arcadia was always a terrible idea) - capital made up of people from all clans, working and living side by side to establish an effective and respected government.

Obviously, it was early days but as Raven stood and surveyed the teams working, she hoped it would be a world worth living in. She thought a lot about what Murphy had said to her on the last day they'd spent alone together about having an opportunity to start again and how important it was to honour what they had started to build. _Who was she kidding_ , she thought about him a lot and those five days they'd spent together, both with and without Bryan and Miller. _Okay, more of the without._

She'd only seen him once since he moved to his new town, which was thirty miles up the coast, where he was leading alongside some of the Ouskejon Kru clan. They were testing the water purity and she had been to the outskirts of the town and had spotted him in amongst a crowd but hadn't approached, instead she'd just watched him and enjoyed his slight smile and blush at something a passing old lady had said to him. She'd guessed it was something about him being a handsome young man or Emori being a lucky girl from his sheepish reaction. According to Clarke, he and Emori were regarded very highly and seen as valuable members of the town, something she knew he never thought would be possible. They were in charge of town liaison and seeing him central to that, surrounded by people from different communities made her heart swell with pride, remembering the sullen, taciturn boy he once was and had started to shed. She remembered when the rover arrived back into base and the way Emori, brimming with love and pride, had flung herself at him and knew other people believed in him too. She'd never have disrupted that, even if he'd asked her to. She wanted him to have the redemption he'd always dreamed of, knowing how important it was for him.

An overwhelming wave of loneliness suddenly hit her: something she usually tried to keep hidden, even from herself. She knew for so many of them that was true, as they were still haunted by the horrors of what they'd done. The Mountain. Finn. The Masacres. Lincoln. Jackson. Lexa. Gina. Jasper. She knew it was why Octavia, her precarious peace with Bellamy still raw and fractious, had volunteered to go alone. The same for Monty, whose hurt about Jasper had meant he also felt the need to be isolated for a while. And while she, Clarke and Bellamy weren't technically alone, in many ways they still were. Her thoughts flickered back to Jasper and what Murphy had said about him in the bunker: _He doesn't want to live but he genuinely doesn't want anyone else to either..._ She never wanted to be like that. For a moment, she wondered what he was thinking as he dangled from that ravine, looking up at Octavia as she begged him not to do it...

Then, the next thing she knew was blackness.

                                                                   ************************

When Raven came to, she was lying with her head in someone's lap and they were gently stroking her hair and wiping her brow with a cool cloth. She also instinctively recognised the movement of the rover and she opened her eyes in surprise, struggling to get her bearings.

"Hey, hey, you're okay. Stay lying down. You gave us quite a scare." It was Miller's voice, soothing but serious.

"What happened? How did I get here?"

"Harper sent Petros back to check on you as you hadn't followed her and she was worried it was your leg. He found you passed out and unresponsive and radioed in. We were patrolling the area so we came straight over. You were in and out of consciousness and I said we'd bring you in to see Clarke and Jackson for a check up, in case Monty's moonshine had poisoned you. You were wittering about a bad batch."

Urgh, she groaned. "I'm hungover to hell and on no sleep. Sadly, not in return for any half decent payoff and now am causing a medical emergency. Great. Way to adult Reyes."

He laughed, "Don't worry, Harper only whispered to me about fact you were hungover. The others think you're having a seizure."

She groaned again. _Could this day get any worse._ Oh wait yes it could, she would have to face Clarke. She shut her eyes again and made Miller stroke her head for the rest of the journey.

When Clarke appeared in the examination room, where Raven was lying, she looked concerned: "Hey, not seen you for a while Raven," she commented, as she started her examination.

"Yeah, well I'm already one leg down so I figure I should look after the other one. Although death by hangover wasn't the way I wanted to go."

Clarke wasn't laughing. "I'm worried about you. You've been working constantly. You seem sad. You're exhausted. You collapsed at work. You're not looking after yourself."

"It's hard starting a brand-new-improved version of the world. You know that," Raven quipped half-heartedly. 

"That's not it though is it. Raven, please talk to me, what's going on with you?"

Raven sighed and didn't meet her gaze. "Seriously I'm fine."

"Raven, you're not yourself."

Raven knew she was right. What could she say: she was a hypocrite who had slept with someone's boyfriend while the rest of them were waiting for news about the end of the world. She was sick because she was desperately pining for a man she couldn't have and was trying to block him out.

Instead, she reasserted, "Clarke, I'm fine. It's nothing."

"Really, I didn't realise being pregnant was nothing."

Raven lurched upright, her head spinning with Clarke's words.

"What? Pregnant? Shit. No. I can't be. I'm hungover."

"Your bloods already came back. I need to do a proper exam but I'd guess at least thirteen weeks, maybe fourteen."

 _Fourteen_ _weeks_ _and_ _six_ _days_ _to_ _be_ _precise_ , thought Raven in horror. They'd only been the guy Harper introduced her to and that had only been the last two weeks. They'd been no one between Murphy and him. _Shit_.

She must have said the swear word out loud because Clarke took her hand, "I'm guessing this is a shock. You really didn't know? No tiredness, nausea, weight gain, missed periods?"

"Well all of those but I just thought it was this crazy world we live in now. Oh my fucking god... how?"

"Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. No one will judge you. It was crazy back then in the weeks after the disarming of the power stations."

 _Oh if only you knew how crazy it was just before then,_ she thought _._

"But how? I have a five year implant!"

"Ermm - well without the technology there have been lots of implants failing," Clarke responded.

Raven gaped incredulously: "Did they tell people this?"

"Err yes. Jackson put out an alert."

"Shit - I guess I was busy and missed that memo...." There's a long pause before she speaks again, "I don't suppose there's anything I can do to stop it is there?"

Clarke looked at Raven sadly and shook her head. Raven's huge eyes were brimmed with tears, which threatened to descend down her face and she looked unusually and suddenly vulnerable and very very young.

"I'm sorry lovely girl. It's already too late - on the Ark maybe but here it's just too dangerous and we don't have the equipment. I'll be here for you though. I'm sure the others will too. Maybe the fath-"

Raven cut her off, "No. I can't ..." She trailed off. "Don't tell anyone, yet. I need to get used to it. Being nineteen and pregnant was not how I saw this new world turning out."

Then, she got up and went to leave the examination room but her stilted movements betrayed her emotions and Clarke squeezed her hand as she passed her. Raven finally met her eyes and spoke again, "I know it's not exactly the end of the world By our standards Griffin."

 _It_ _just_ _suddenly_ _feels_ _like_ _it_ , she thought to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am really not sure I like this and I'm not a fan of a pregnancy fics generally but I wanted an angsty curveball. I had to switch perspectives fully to Raven as well, which made me miss Murphy but he will be back.


	9. Afterwards: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 were posted close together so make sure you've read that one first!

As she lay on the examination table, Raven knew there was a lecture coming on. Clarke had been pursing her lips at her for the duration of the appointment and Raven knew that meant one thing: she wasn't fucking happy with her. And she was about to make that clear. _I should have asked to see Jackson,_ Raven thought darkly.

On cue, Clarke broke the silence, "Twenty four weeks. You're twenty four weeks pregnant for christ's sakes. You need to start telling people," she admonished.

Raven sighed heavily.

Clarke went on, "Don't you sigh at me. I've been trying to get you in here for weeks and you've been evading me at every turn. You're underweight. You're working over-time and hiding away from everyone who cares about you. You're six months pregnant for fuck's sakes Raven." _Uh oh._  Clarke never swore; she was far too proper. She was clearly really mad at her.

Uncharacteristically, Raven felt her eyes fill with tears in response and she battled them away, annoyed at letting her guard down in front of someone, even someone she regarded as her friend. Ultimately though, she knew Clarke was right.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't shout at you. You're clearly still struggling with this," Clarke apologised.

"No, you're completely right. I guess I thought the more I worked the more I could avoid it," she paused and then struggled on. "I guess, I'm ashamed." There it was out there.

Clarke looked shocked by this admission. And then confused. "But why? Loads of people are pregnant. Kayla, from the SkyBox, is expecting her second and she's younger than you. In the clans, it's pretty common. I mean you're twenty now. That's practically ancient by their standard. It's not the nineteenth century. No one is going to shun you and ostracise you. And re the no-father thing, well the technology around here has regressed so much, I'm pretty sure there are lots of children being passed off as other people's kids anyway so I'm sure people aren't judging. Plus, they're way too busy doing the work you, Harper and Bellamy are doling out on a daily basis."

Raven sighed again. "Yeah. But I'm Raven Reyes. This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to be the best engineer in the thirteen nations: I beat A.L.I.E; I defeated the mountain with Wanheda; I took out the bastard power stations. But no, one bloody sperm and I am just a pathetic girl. It's like the universe showing me the thing with my leg and my bad luck with men weren't my only Achilles' heels. It's just going to keep throwing crap at me. I mean how the hell am I going to look after a baby?"

At her question, Clarke exploded with laughter and Raven crossly asked her what was so funny: "Ermmm you're Raven Reyes. You managed to get hot water in three more settlements this week, you managed to make a solar power station in two weeks and this morning I was very annoyed when I was pretty sure I saw you on Harper's roof fixing a leak, so I think you'll be okay. But if you want, we could talk about other options."

"What do you mean?"

"With the baby. I'm sure we could place it with another family, if you wanted us to look into finding a home."

"No." Raven cut her off fiercely. "You think I'd do that? I wouldn't abandon her." Immediately, one of her more genuine unspoken fears bubbled to the surface. _What if she couldn't look after this baby because she would turn out to be just like her mum and hate her own child?_

"Hey, I'm sorry. I was just trying to give you some options. You don't seem to be acting as though they'll be a baby in the early spring." After gently tucking a strand of Raven's hair behind her ear, Clarke hopped up next to her bed and took her friend's hand. "I'm trying to be your friend and your doctor and I know I am basically just nagging... Oh great I'm my mother.... And by the way, her and Kane are here next week and you know nothing gets past her."

"I know you're right. I know I have to tell people but then they'll know and they'll treat me differently."

Clarke chose her next words carefully, "Are you worried about people finding out or someone in particular finding out?"

Raven grunted non-committedly, knowing exactly what Clarke was getting at. She knew she'd carefully tiptoed around the 'f-word' topic since Raven had shut her down at after Clarke had told her she was pregnant ten weeks earlier. Quite clearly, Clarke desperately wanted to ask her who the baby's father was but was obviously worried about Raven's reaction. Although even Raven would admit, she'd been even sharper than usual in the last few weeks. Just yesterday, she'd seen some young men from the Ice Nation practically quiver with fear when they came to tell her they'd accidentally broken a solar panel. Almost glaring at Clarke now, she dared her to continue. 

Taking a deep breath, Clarke went on, "Can I ask you something...? .... I won't mind if you say yes. I mean, it's not like we mean anything to each ..."

Before she finished, Raven had cut her off with complete disbelief, "It's not Bellamy's. Christ. I wouldn't do that. Despite your refusal to admit it to yourself, I know how you feel. I'd never go there again knowing that."

With that, Raven got up off the bed and pulled on her thick winter coat, which was proving good camouflage for her growing bump. Already, she could see the shame flooding Clarke's pale cheeks, as she stammered out an apology, "I'm sorry. I got it into my head when you wouldn't say. I know you wouldn't do that. I mean not after what I did to you with Finn. You're not me."

However, Raven didn't respond and exited the room. As she stomped back across the town, Clarke's words mocked her: **_You wouldn't do that. You're not me. You wouldn't do that. You're not me_. **_Well, that's the fracking problem isn't it,_ she angrily chastised herself. _You're way worse. Clarke didn't know about you when she slept with your boyfriend. However, you practically begged Emori's to have sex with you. You told him not to pull out. And now look at the mess you're in._ Ultimately, that was why she hadn't told anyone. She was frightened and ashamed and that's what the shame boiled down to. Not that she was just out of her teens. Not that she was unmarried and single. Not even that she was Raven Reyes. The shame of being pregnant with the baby of someone else's boyfriend. Someone she was supposed to be saving the world with and instead who she selfishly seduced and impregnated herself by. _Not that he needed much seducing,_ the other part of her brain reminded her. She shut it down. She shut that part down a lot these days, especially when it wondered if it was such a bad thing if Murphy found out.

Storming into her house, she slammed the door and flung her coat across the room, before pacing agitatedly back and forwards across the newly laid floor. There was a sharp knock at the door and she flung it open, thinking the good doctor must have followed her to continue their words, "Clarke, this conversation is OVE-" she trailed off.

Instead, in front of her stood Miller, looking bemused and holding a bottle of moonshine.

"Miller, sorry, I thought you were Clarke. We're kind of having a fight, so I'm not coming drinking. I'm not in the mood."

"Well, I can see why you're not drinking..." Miller retorted, with his gaze resting clearly on her bump covered only by the thin tank she was wearing under her coat.

"Shit. You better come in," Raven said.

  
Ten minutes later, the two of them were sitting at the table facing each other. Miller poured himself a large glass of moonshine. She raised an eyebrow. "Hey, I'm not pregnant and, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not much of a conversationalist. I thought I was coming over to try and get you drunk and out of your funk, since we seemed to have missed your birthday a few weeks back. If I knew I was getting unplanned pregnancy and a domestic with Clarke, I'd have sent Bryan, as we all know he's way better with deep and meaningful conversations and feelings."

With that, he took a long drink. "It's actually a very good batch," he told her. "I feel bad for Monty that you told everyone that he poisoned you and, as a result, you were swearing off alcohol. When clearly, you were using it to hide the fact you're knocked up Nina. Actually, I'm not that sorry, as it's meant we got a lot of the batch as other people wouldn't drink it, even if you did tarnish his good name."

For someone who didn't talk much, Miller was currently talking a lot, rambling to fill the silence. She knew she should put him out of his misery and start speaking so he could listen, a role she knew he was more comfortable in. "Yeah, I know I should probably apologise to Monty for that. I just needed some time to get my head around shit, before I started telling people, so I've been hiding away from everyone. And hiding from myself as well, I suppose."

He nodded and let her go on. "I mean obviously I'm twenty. I'm by myself. I have no experience of looking after babies. I have no idea what to do. And I guess........ I'm frightened that I'll be like..." she trails off.

"Be like who?" he asked softly.

"My mother," already her voice was cracking. "She was a single mother too. I never knew my dad. I'm not sure she did either. Great - I'm already my mother. Single mother. Check. And she used to drink. She was an alcoholic I mean. It used to be the only thing that kept her alive. Until ironically, it killed her. Oh great and I drank through the first three months of my pregnancy not knowing I was pregnant. Check again." She sank her head down on the table.

"You're not your mother, Raven. She was an addict. You are healthy and strong and I'm sure the baby is too. Plus, you were always at work. You did not drink that much. Not enough to hurt the baby." Raven looked up into Miller's understanding response and, suddenly, the tears she'd held back in front of Clarke began to cascade out.

"I loved her. I really did. And she just wasn't interested in me. She'd leave me by myself for days on end, while she went off with men. She didn't feed me or clothe me. She barely spoke to me sometimes for weeks. You know I can't even remember a time she hugged me or ever told me she loved me. She was just so empty. And that's the thing, I'm quite cold too. Of course I am. I struggle to maintain relationships; I push everyone around me away. So, I'll probably do the same and I'm so frightened that I'm going to bring this baby into the world and turn into her. And I'd never want anyone to have to feel like that. Feel how I felt."

By this point, she was sobbing and her body was shaking with the force of her tears but Miller must have got up without her noticing as then he was beside her, and was holding her and rocking her back and forwards in his arms, as he stroked her hair in the gentle way she remembered from the rover. "You are not your mother," he repeated calmly and soothingly. "You can do this. You are the best person I know. Better than me. Better than Bryan - don't tell him I said that though, you know how sensitive he is." Her crying had slowed slightly and she hiccuped a laugh at this comment.

"You are Raven fucking Reyes. Champion of the World, remember?" Murphy's words from the power station echoed through the room, empowering her somehow and stilling her tears. "This baby is so lucky to have you. Can you imagine growing up with the woman who saved the world as your mother? It will be like having a superhero as a mother. Not to mention the fact, it'll also have two incredibly handsome and heroic uncles to protect it and teach it how to fight."

She laughed again then and moved back from his embrace to wipe the remnants of her tears away, slightly embarrassed. Miller met her eyes, kissed her on the top of head and repeated again, "You are not your mother. I never want to hear that again." With that, he grabbed his chair and his drink and moved around to her side of the table.

"So we've got plenty time to set up and prepare for the baby and obviously me and Bryan will help. By watching you make things for it and carrying anything heavy. And cooking dinner. I am better than you at that at least."

"Thank you. I mean that so much. It makes it better knowing I'm not alone. I want to do this. And I can do this right?" she replied.

"Of course. Are you going to tell him? Murphy," he then asked, suddenly following his initial response with a question so surprising both in its bluntness and content that she gasped. "Sorry," he continued. "That's what I mean about my conversational skills. I should have cushioned that."

"You knew?" she asked.

"Yeah it was pretty obvious you hadn't been playing Ludo when we got back. The two of you were completely shagged. You had a hickey on your chest and you could barely breathe for the sexual tension in the rover on the drive home. At one point, I thought we were going to have to stop so the two of you could jump each other again."

"Oh god! I thought we were being subtle."

At this, Miller roared with laughter. "Err no. Why do you think Bryan spilt coffee on your top and made you wear your coat in that crazy summer heat before we got to base? So you wouldn't have to explain why it looked like the reapers had sucked your blood out!"

Raven blushed and looked down, "So you see why I can't tell him?"

"No. Why?"

"It's not fair. I was so angry when Finn cheated on me literally two weeks after he left. Literally two days after we left, I was in bed with Emori's boyfriend. I know how it feels. I can't do to someone else."

"But Raven. There's a baby involved here. His baby. He deserves to know that at least. I mean I know he's Murphy and he has done some seriously fucked up stuff in the past but I do think there's a decent guy in there somewhere. He'd stand by you. He'd look after his kid."

She sighed, "I know that Miller and that part of me thinks he would be a really good dad. He said his own dad was, which is one more positive role model than I managed as a kid. Just, I can't tell him right now. I have barely come terms with it and then if I tell him it's a whole avalanche of shit: Emori, the cheating, having a baby with someone who I slept with once because I thought I was going to die."

Miller coughs in disbelief, "Once?"

"Okay, three. Four times max," she amended sheepishly.

"Euww - stop - it's okay - I'll leave Bryan to get all the details because I'm going to get him to come over now now and you know he's not going to leave you alone from now until the baby is born. So, while he is grilling you, I'm going to make us all dinner and drink my surprisingly lovely Monty moonshine. Maybe with juice. I don't want to be drunk cooking." 

He headed towards the door and she called his name, "Miller!" As he turned, she hugged him close, which was made slightly awkward by the bump, and he hugged her back. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Anytime Reyes."

"Will you do one more thing? Call by Clarke's office and tell her I've told you."

"Shall I invite her for dinner too?"

"No. Let's not go that far. I want to enjoy it without a lecture on pre-natal vitamins."

He laughed and headed out into the street. For the first time in six months, Raven didn't feel alone. She wondered if afterwards might actually be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Murphy will be back in the next chapter. Promise!


	10. Afterwards: Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, following in quick succession from Chapters 8 and 9, so read them first!

Watching Miller and Bryan decorate a nursery in her new world house, had never once appeared in a list of things Raven Reyes thought she would be doing. But here she was, early in the morning, towards the end of her pregnancy, doing exactly that. Despite her many protests that it was unlucky and unnecessary, they had insisted, saying they wouldn't put anything too baby orientated in the room. She knew how lucky she was to have them. The two of them and Clarke had looked after her in the final months of her pregnancy and she didn't know what she'd have done without them. They had protected her from quizzical eyes and questions about her pregnancy when it was unveiled. A lot of people starred and whispered, despite Clarke's assurances it wasn't that unusual. Miguel - the guy Harper had hooked her up with - had come around and asked if it was his. He looked incredibly relieved when she said that unless his sperm had super ageing qualities, then it was definitely not. She refrained from adding that since he couldn't find much else down there, it was unlikely his sperm could find an egg to fertilise, even if she gave it a torch, a compass and a map. That would have been cruel. However, she did repeat her thoughts to Bryan and Miller afterwards though and they laughed for a good five minutes.

Harper asked her outright, while they were having dinner one day, whose baby it was. Again, she diverted the question, more politely than when Clarke had asked her. At least she was getting better at that. Octavia, who had stopped by on a trading run, said it didn't matter, asserting that neither she or Bellamy had a father and they were just fine. Afterwards, Raven firmly shut down Miller's comment that if the Blakes were what 'fine' looked like he wouldn't want to see 'not fine'. But silently, she begrudgingly admitted to herself he had a point, although she thought the Blake's problems were more suppressive Ark-regime related, than no father related.

Other than some private jokes, both Miller and Bryan had stuck to their word and not said a word about Murphy to the others. Bryan had however, like Miller promised, tried to elicit some of the filthier details out of her. Apparently, he'd seen Murphy's junk when they were on a bathroom break outside the rover on their journey and had been impressed by it so wanted to know how well he used it. At which point, Miller thankfully told him to shut the hell up.

"Do you boys want some coffee?" she shouted through to them.

"Depends are you making it? In which case, no!" Miller hollered back. "It's okay I'll make some for us all," he continued as he entered the living and kitchen area, a minute or so later. On arrival though, he was greeted by the worrying sight of Raven doubled over in pain, surrounded by a heart-stopping pool of blood on the kitchen floor. "Raven, what's happened?"

"I don't know. I think the baby is coming but something is wrong. I'm bleeding."

"Don't worry Reyes. We've got you...."

Already, she seemed disorientated and dizzy and panic palpitated through him, but he knew he needed to hold it together for Raven and called over his shoulder: "Bryan, can you come in here. Now please. I need you to go tell Jackson and Clarke that Raven's baby is coming."

There was a clatter in the bedroom and his boyfriend rushed into the room. By this point, Miller was kneeling holding Raven in what seemed to be an ever-expanding pool of blood. Her face was nestled into his chest in pain and he was glad she didn't witness the look of pure, unadulterated horror and fear on Bryan's face.

"Bryan," he reiterated calmly. "Get help. I'm right behind you." As Bryan rushed out the front door, he hauled Raven into his arms and said a silent prayer, to all the Gods he didn't believe in, to make sure she was alright.

Waiting in the medical centre, Miller knew something was wrong. He'd seen it on Clarke's face when they arrived. Immediately, she'd handed Raven over to Jackson, as the experienced medic, and had gone in to assist. Meanwhile, he and Bryan were left to pace in the tiny waiting area. After about an hour, Clarke came back out. She looked ashen, bar some ominous smudges of blood on her face.

"Fuck," was all Miller could manage, knowing instinctively it was bad news.

"She's in labour and the baby is coming. But she's hemorrhaging and it's too late for a C-section. We need to get the baby out quick and do surgery straight away, " Clarke told them.

"But..." prompted Miller knowing there was a but coming.

"I'm basically an apprentice doctor. With this level of complications, Jackson needs Abby to help us. She actually headed out on a tour of the nearby villages a few days back, so she probably isn't that far away. Can you two go and see if you can find her and bring her back here.  I think we will need her if Raven's going to ..." she trailed off.

The two boys knew what she was about to say and hurried from the medical centre to do whatever they could to help their friend. From the central command centre, Bellamy checked the records with them and started radioing all the villages in the area. They were able to identify where she had been the day before and the four settlements she was most likely to be. Miller and Bryan agreed to each take a rover from the fleet and split up to cover more ground, while Bellamy put out an call for anyone who saw Dr Griffin to radio base immediately and would contact them if he heard anything.

Unfortunately, it was a pretty miserable day, even though it was supposed to be the very beginning of spring, and as Bryan battled the rover through a heavy film of rain, he couldn't help be engulfed by a shroud of dread and foreboding. The first village he arrived at had not seen Abby, nor were they expecting her. They warned him visibility up the coast was poor and it was possible the Health Team had taken an alternative route or gone inland instead. Miller radioed to report that she hadn't been to the villages on his itinerary and that he was heading east, inland, as it seemed more likely she'd have gone that way. By the point Bryan reached his second destination, his fear had reached a crescendo and was close to imploding in on him. Before he even approached, he could tell from the silence and inactivity of the outpost, due to rain, and now mist too which had enveloped the coast, that the Health Team weren't there.

For a moment, he sat in the rover, darkly anticipating the response of the guards in the outpost and wondering what the hell to do next, when the radio spluttered to life.

"Blake, Blake this is Miller. We have located Dr Griffin and are returning to base. We should be back within an hour. Please can you relay to Dr Jackson that we are are our way, over."

Bryan listened to Bellamy's reply and responded that he would also be heading back. Resting his head back on the headrest of the driver's seat, he spoke a silent mantra to the world to guide Miller and Abby back safely and to protect Raven and the baby.

Suddenly, a sharp tap on the window disturbed him from his reverie. Jumping, he looked up and saw Murphy looking quizzically at him through the passenger window, before he opened the door and got into the vehicle, out of the pounding rain.

"Hey, I thought it was you," Murphy greeted him warmly.

"Hi. Wh-What are you doing down here?" Bryan tried to style out his shock at bumping into Murphy, of all people, but struggled to hold back his stammer.

"They were having a problem with some of their sewage because of the deluge, so I volunteered to bring a team down to help. I get all the best jobs, eh," he laughed briefly but could instinctively tell from Bryan's reaction that something was not right.

"Is something wrong? I heard Bellamy put an alert out for Dr Griffin. Is that who you are looking for?"

"Err. Yes, but we've found her now so I should probably get back," he glanced over at Murphy but found it hard to look him in the face, as the reality of what was happening flooded over him. _He_ _should_ _know_ , his brain said to him.

"Bryan, what is it? Something is happening. Tell me." Murphy's voice was filled with alarm: he knew there was something very wrong and something Bryan wasn't telling him.

"Shit, Miller will kill me. Raven will kill me. But I think you need to know, in case something happens to her..." He trailed off and looked at Murphy directly, properly this time. Murphy's face had paled even more than usual; he was ash-white.

"Has something happened to Raven? Bryan tell me. Please. I'm begging you." In that moment, Bryan saw something he'd never expected: he was in love with her. John Murphy was in love with Raven Reyes. He hadn't even considered that. He knew they were clearly attracted to each other and they'd hooked up but this: this was something which changed things entirely. Thus, he blurted out all he knew.

"Raven's having a baby. Right now. But she's in distress and haemorrhaging and probably needs surgery and Clarke said get Abby."

Bryan watched the weight of these things hit Murphy one at a time and watched Murphy close his eyes in shock before he responded, "She will be okay, right? She needs to be okay. Abby will make sure they're okay. Right?" Murphy's final question was full of desperation and pleading and his voice was wrecked with the trepidation that she might not be.

"Do you want to come with me?" Bryan asked, forcing back an image of Miller killing him if he showed up with Murphy in tow. "I mean, I'm going back now to the hospital and, ermmm," he stammered again, unsure how to proceed with his next point, "it's your baby, isn't it?" He's not sure why he asked it as a question, considering he already knew but he thought it might make it seem less like they'd all been gossiping and it was an open secret, which it wasn't really.

Murphy swallowed and nodded, "Yeah I can count. She's mine."

Bryan was unsure in that moment if the 'she' he referred to was Raven or their unborn child, who Raven had taken to calling she too, but obviously Murphy had no way of knowing that. However, he didn't ask because Murphy continued, "Shit, yeah, I'm coming with you."

With that, he wound the window down and shouted to someone outside that he needed to go to the capital with his friend urgently and to tell Caleb he was in charge.

At first as they made their way back, neither of them spoke. Bryan concentrated on the increasingly heavy storm and kept a careful and steady pace, which he could tell was making Murphy more anxious. By the time, they approached the half way point of their journey, Bryan had to crawl around trees which had come down and Murphy hit the dashboard in exasperation.

"Sorry, you heard Miller though. He and Abby are already there, which is good and there's nothing we could do anyway. It's better we get there in one piece, right?"

Murphy didn't answer his question and when Bryan glanced at him in the prematurely dark afternoon light, he again saw the contorted face of a man terrified of losing the woman he loved.

"She's in good hands Murphy. They're in good hands," he consoled him, hoping his voice wouldn't give away the anxiety he really felt.

"Why didn't she tell me? I'd have supported her and been there. Christ, does she still think I'm that much of a shitbag?" Murphy blurted out.

"Hey, you know that's not it. You have Emori. She was letting you move on rather than start another incredibly messy situation for everyone involved." While trying to comfort him, Bryan's heart ached for him. He couldn't imagine what was going through the other boy's head right now.

"Does everyone know?" Murphy asked.

"No, just me and Miller. But I think we always knew that something had happened between the two of you in the bunker."

Murphy nodded and rested his head against the dashboard, breathing deeply and clearly trying to get a grip on his emotions. "I just want her to be okay. Raven. Shit. She's been through enough without me fucking her life up anymore. Please let her be okay." His voice was broken and Bryan's heart broke for him again. He had never held the same level of resentment towards Murphy as Miller and Bellamy had. Obviously, he had the advantage of only meeting him after the A.L.I.E attack and not witnessing his earlier crimes, but he liked him and considered them close to being friends after they went on the mission together. Comrades at the very least.

"Murphy," he tried to reassure him. "This is not on you. Raven would never put this on you. Please try and remember that." _Whatever happens_ , remained unspoken.

Murphy nodded but didn't speak and the two of them continued in silence towards the town.

Miller was sitting alone looking down at the face of the tiny baby girl, cradled and crying in his arms, when the door burst open and Murphy burst in, followed by his boyfriend. Miller looked at Murphy and then at Bryan, trying to take in the scene in front of him. Bryan shrugged sheepishly, "I bumped into Murphy."

"So I see," Miller replied curtly.

When he looked at Murphy though, he wasn't listening to the conversation they were having, he was gazing, mesmerised, at the baby and Miller suddenly didn't have the heart for a fight. Instead, he stood up, and passed her gently into Murphy's arms.

"Hey little girl," he told her as way of introduction:"This is Murphy... She's got your lips I think actually," he added to Murphy. He watched as Murphy carefully held her and murmured to her and, although her eyes remained tightly closed, she stopped crying, lulled by the sound of his voice and lay contentedly, drifting off to sleep, in his arms.

"Clarke says the baby is fine. Healthy. She brought her out here for me, before going back in," he told them.

"What about Raven?" Murphy asked, finally dragging his eyes away from his daughter and to Miller.

"They're doing all they can. Clarke said Abby says the next hour is critical for stopping the bleeding. They had some donors with the same blood type come in so they have enough because she needs transfusions too."

Murphy sat down in one of the empty seats beside them. As Miller watched him, he realised something, completely unforeseen to him: John Murphy was crying. Down his face streamed silent tears: tears of both love and despair. From behind him, Bryan moved and sat next to Murphy, gently resting his hand on Murphy's shoulder and pulling both him and the baby close, without saying anything. Silently, Miller then sat himself on Murphy's other side, taking the hand of the little girl in his arms, as he and Bryan carefully cocooned them both.

That was how Clarke found the four of them, when she exited the surgery and left her mother and Jackson working on Raven. Abby was insistent she needed a break and told her to go and check on the baby now they were through the worst. When she entered the room where she'd left Miller and the baby, she stilled a moment taking in the sight in front of her. Miller. Murphy with the baby in his arms. Bryan. Murphy. Her eyes came back to Murphy. Looking up at her, she saw he was completely wrecked and his eyes were conflicted, full of both love and total abject panic at what she was going to say. _**Murphy**_. Suddenly it all made sense.

In front of her, the three young men simultaneously stood up and waited for her to speak.

"We stopped the bleeding. Jackson and Abby are working to stabilise her but she's though the worst we hope." Miller sat down heavily. Bryan clasped his hands together and let out some uncharacteristic expletives. But it was Murphy her eyes focused on: he was visibly shaking and his eyes were wet with tears. She walked towards him and gently placed a hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear.

"Hey, you. Haven't seen you for a while. I've missed you," she told him, signalling she wasn't mad at him. She went on, motioning to the baby still sleeping silently in his arms, "Raven named her. She said she was calling her Oriana. Oria for short. It means..."

"... new dawns or new beginnings. She was a heroine in medieval literature," he finished for her. "Yeah, it suits her. Hey, hello Oriana. You are indeed a new beginning, gorgeous girl." As Clarke looked at him, she saw unadulterated and pure love in his eyes, and her heart swelled for the boy she thought she knew better than the others, until now.

"I was going to go and get some milk for her from the clinic, if you want to come with me, we could feed her together," she offered.

Then, he looked up at her with surprise and gratitude before pausing and shaking his head. "Ermm, no I should be getting back. It's getting late. Raven will be awake soon, hopefully. I shouldn't be here."

"Hey, I'm sure she won't mind," Bryan broke in. "I'll explain it was on me. That I brought you. That I thought she was going to die."

"No. I better go. Promise me something: you won't tell her I was here. She obviously didn't want me here and I don't want to upset her or her recovery."

He turned his attention to the baby in his arms and spoke soothingly, "I will always be looking out for you, wherever you are. I love you already and I hope to see you again soon." Kissing her head delicately, he passed her back to Miller, who nodded at him and promised to look after them both. Bryan hugged him fiercely and swore to come and see him with news soon.

Murphy turned to Clarke, "Do you think I can see Rey before I go? Just for a minute. I know she's not conscious. I just want to see her."

"Yeah - you should be able to get a quick peek, provided Jackson and Abby aren't looking."

She led him around to the surgery room. It had a glass window, which they used to pass through equipment. It was as sterile an environment as they could hope for considering. Pausing just on his shoulder, Clarke watched Murphy gaze through the glass at Raven. She looked fairly peaceful and the two doctors were bent over, both with their backs to them, finishing up some stitching by the looks of it. Both Jackson and Abby's attire gave away the trauma which had taken place there though, as they were saturated with blood. Next to her, she felt Murphy breathe in sharply as he took in the scene. Gently she took his hand and looked up at him, when the comprehension hit her like it had with Bryan earlier: _Murphy was in love with Raven. Had Murphy always been in love with Raven?_ She struggled to think back.

Then though, he turned to go, twisting out of her grasp as she tried to speak, to say something which would make him stay, but he shook his head firmly: "They don't deserve me poisoning everything. I promised myself last time she was in surgery that I'd make sure nothing bad ever happened to her again. That I'd protect her and make right all the pain I'd caused her. And instead, look what I've done."

He kissed her cheek goodbye and whispered, "I know you'll look after them for me, Griffin," and with that, he took a deep breath, looked back at Raven once more and walked mournfully away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, am hoping people are still reading and enjoying. I wanted to get out before the holiday weekend was over (boo, hiss) and I have to go back to work (sobs). Will be thinking about how/if he is going to tell Emori and what he's going to do next and hopefully will get the next chapter out in the next week or so. Any suggestions or comments always appreciated.


	11. Afterwards: Part IV

When Murphy exited the clinic, it was dark, although it wasn't actually that late. The rainstorm had finally stopped though and the air was surprisingly refreshing, cleansing him of the claustrophobic, airless medical centre. Walking towards the rover station, he took deep gulps and attempted to steady himself. 

The hours prior replayed themselves excruciatingly in his head: a pretty mundane day turned upside down by the terror he'd witnessed in Bryan's eyes when he got in the vehicle, which had imprinted onto him, as he had become certain Raven and their unborn child would die as they headed back towards the capital. He was so certain: everybody he touched died. His venom seemed to infect everything and everyone, spreading poison and malevolence into their lives. While they'd sat in the rover on their outward journey, he'd become increasingly convinced by that. Then, there was the waiting room: he felt conflicted even now. Oriana. Every step he took further away from her, his heart clenched. He wondered how it was possible to love someone so completely after so little time.  _You were in love with Reyes the first second you saw her in the SkyBox,_ he reminded himself.

And then of course there were his feelings for Her. For Raven. As much as he'd told himself all afternoon, on the journey, and in the waiting room, that she didn't want him there, hadn't told him and wanted him to stay away, when he'd seen her on that operating table, it had been like the sky had fallen in on him. It crushed him with the heavy weight of a hopeless realisation, which he had tried so hard to push away, especially these last nine months since the time they'd spent alone at the power station. Realising he couldn't pass it off as an old infatuation or crush or sexual attraction anymore, he'd had to get out of there, before he completely lost it in front of Clarke and blurted it all out:  _I'm in love with her. I've been in love with her for nearly three years. If she dies, a part of me will die too._

Now, even outside, in the cooling and calming post deluge air, he couldn't take that admission back. 

However, entering Central Command Station, Murphy was greeted by the even more sobering sight of Bellamy Blake, sitting with some other guards (or peace facilitators as they were known now - a crappy name Murphy had always thought) going over the daily reports. 

"Hello," Bellamy greeted him, clearly concerned. "I saw you came in with Bryan. Were you helping him look for Abby? Is Raven okay? The boys were so worried about her earlier." 

"Ermm, yeah. She had a little girl. Oriana. She's, Raven's, had a tough time but Abby says she should be okay now. The baby is fine," he responded, trying not to elaborate too much or let his emotions creep into his voice. 

One of the guards next to Bellamy, who obviously knew Raven, clapped enthusiastically and excitedly as Bellamy commented, "Oh that's fantastic news. We were so worried. Cool name too. It means..." 

"...hope and new dawns. Yeah I know. I've read the legend." An old competitiveness bubbled to the surface. The thought of Bellamy explaining the origin of his daughter's name to people irked him suddenly, and the way he'd felt when he'd overheard someone mention years ago Bellamy and Raven had slept together flooded back to him. Jealousy. He couldn't push it away. He didn't want Bellamy, or anyone else, sharing details with people about Oriana. That should be his job.

Murphy met Bellamy's eyes ever so briefly and saw the slight confusion registered there, and thus moved the conversation on before he had a chance to think further. "Obviously, I was superfluous over there so I thought I'd head back. Do you think someone would give me a lift?" _Not you_ , he urged silently. 

Luckily Bellamy obviously didn't feel like spending time in an enclosed space with Murphy either, or he and the others were genuinely busy, since he lent him a rover and said someone could bring it back over later in the week when they were heading over for supplies, so Murphy was able to escape him and drive back alone. 

On the inward journey, he drove deliberately carefully and slowly, as flashes of his and Bryan's earlier journey taunted him. But it was his destination, which now weighed heaviest on him. It was the reality of returning home. The home he shared with Emori. Of course, Emori wouldn't be worried that he hadn't come home. She probably wasn't expecting him until later the next day, as she knew the sewage problem was a serious one and would have expected him to stay in the village where he'd headed that morning with the rest of the team. So, he could probably just slip into the house and into bed with her and she'd never be any wiser about where he'd been or what had happened. 

 _He couldn't do that though_. 

Even though he knew Raven didn't want him and clearly didn't want him involved with her and the baby, he couldn't just pretend they didn't exist. They existed too vividly and painfully for him. He felt a love so all consuming: he knew it was that very same feeling which had spurred his father to do what he did for him all those years before and, again, he struggled to hold back the tears which pushed against his eyes. 

Also, he knew disturbingly that he hadn't thought about Emori once in the past nine hours or so. There was no denying it and bile rose in his throat, as he realised the implications of what that meant. As soon as Bryan said Raven's name, even in the moments before he knew about the existence of the baby, he couldn't think about anyone or anything else. It was Her. He was hopelessly and unrequitedly in love with her. It wasn't fair to live a lie and deceive someone as good as Emori. He'd cheated on her nine months ago and now Oriana had made it physically impossible to hide his betrayal from both her and his own heart. 

 _He knew what he had to do._  

On entering the house, Murphy felt like he was entering an execution chamber. And he was the executioner. She was still awake, sitting cross legged on their bed, sorting out some clean clothes and, as soon as he entered, her face filled with joy to see him so unexpectedly. 

"Oh! You're back! I didn't expect you y..."  she trailed off, sensing immediately something was terribly wrong. 

In the course of his life, Murphy had hated himself intensely and entirely so many times but never more than in that moment and in the moments which followed it. 

The confession fell out, spewing toxicity over their life together.

_Don't know how to say this._

_Raven._

_When we were together at the station._

_We were together._

_Thought it was the end._

_No excuse._

_Baby._

_There's a baby._

_Baby._

It was almost ironic, he thought dimly, that they had stopped the noxious nuclear power that day because he'd still started something which was the death-knell to his own relationship. 

Emori's reaction was initially total confusion. She didn't seem to be able to comprehend what he'd told her, such was her belief and trust in him. Staring blankly at him from the bed, almost floundering for words, she started and restarted her sentence.

"You're not... Are you... Wait, what are you telling me here?" 

"That I'm a cheating, lying, bastard who has had a baby with someone else." 

Uncomprehending silence stretched between them. 

Taking a step towards her, he continued, "Emori, I'm so sorry. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You saved me and made me into someone worth being. I am so sorry I have thrown that away." 

She moved over on the bed and he sat down beside her, waiting for her to react. 

"But what are you saying here? You've had a baby with someone else. I mean you're not in love with her are you. Obviously, I'm fucking furious and can hardly look at you right now but give me a chance. You're talking like you're leaving." 

Surprised, he looked into her face. Her eyes were brimmed with tears but they still shone with the love he was so used to seeing. The love which had fixed him and made him into a man worth being. A man his own father might not have been so ashamed of. "Emori, I love you. I love your soul and your determination. And I love our life here so so much but I can't do this to you again. I've had -"

Sharply, she cut him off, "The other time didn't count. And this was clearly the behaviour of two desperate people who thought, hell, we all thought, we were going to die." Disbelief overwhelmed Murphy. This wonderful, wonderful woman, who he didn't deserve, could forgive him for a betrayal this shocking.

She continued on: "I mean it's not like you're in love with Raven is it." Her voice, which had held a fairly stoic and hopeful tone until that final question, suddenly trailed off, muffled by realisation and broke into a strangled and distraught sob.

In that moment, Murphy realised his face must have said just that.

Beside him, Emori then broke down into hysterical sobs, every one of which compounded what a complete arsehole he really was. 

"Emori, I love you. You are such -" 

"But you're fucking in love with her aren't you!" She was angry now she had realised the extent of what he was confessing. "Go on. Deny it." 

_He couldn't. He couldn't deny it to her or himself anymore._

And there they sat, for hours afterwards. Emori wracked with a torrent of tears and him too wrecked with guilt and self hatred to cry, as they ended their relationship.

The next morning, as he left the shell which was left of their home, with a small bag of his things, he glanced back acknowledging the scale of the destruction he'd left behind. He might as well have launched an incendary bomb: it would have probably have been less painful and left an less irreversible imprint on all involved.

Aware though that Emori deserved better and could do better, he knew she'd find someone else. She was a survivor. John Murphy's bombshell wouldn't finish her, not even close; she was way too resilient for that. She'd get over a wanker like him and find someone who would love, adore and cherish her with all of their heart.

Ultimately, he would be enternally grateful he'd had her in his life but he knew he needed to leave her behind and be a father to his daughter.

And thus, with that certainty, he walked away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - I really struggled with this one. Angst! I feel like all my chapters end with people walking away as well. Not very original.


	12. Next: Part I (A New Chapter)

When she woke up, it felt as though something really heavy was pressing on her consciousness and her body: everything was foggy, blurry and confused, as she struggled to part the curtain, from what seemed like hours of strange dreams, into reality. Her eyes didn't seem to be able to open and she struggled against the weight. _Had she got drunk?_ No that wasn't it. She wasn't drinking. _What had she been doing?_ She vaguely remembered Bryan and Miller at her house painting.

And then suddenly, images whirrled furiously through her mind: blood; Clarke; Jackson; Abby; pain; more blood; the panic and a glimpse of a baby; desperately wishing for Murphy. Then nothing. Just blankness.

Gasping, she attempted the sit up; her eyes blinking painfully against the light, before a gentle hand touched her shoulder and guided her back to a lying position.

"Hey, hey. Take it easy. You've been through a lot. Just be careful."

It was Miller. She recognised his voice and his gentle hands, as he moved to push back her hair, which seemed to be matted to her face, though she wasn't sure if it was with sweat or blood. Closing her eyes again, she breathed deeply, as she struggled to catch her breath, before opening them more calmly a second time and seeing Miller sitting by her bed on an uncomfortable looking chair, with a tiny bundle cradled in his left arm against his body. His face looked tired and drawn but his smile at her was warm and positive. She was okay. Oriana was okay.

"You gave us quite the scare. Oriana and I were waiting for you to wake up so she could say a proper hello." At this, he stood and perched with the baby on the side of her bed, so she could see her properly. Her baby. Her unexpectedly perfect and precious baby. Despite all her reservations and the fears which had tormented her during her pregnancy, she knew already that she loved this baby and that she'd do anything for her.

"I remember vaguely her being born and seeing her covered in blood and saying her name but then everything is blank. I guess I have Jackson, Abby and Clarke to thank for the fact I'm waking up."

"Yeah. They had to operate to stop the bleeding. They're all asleep. They'll want to see you as soon as they're awake though. You're loved around here you know, Raven Reyes. And this little one is going to be doted on and spoilt - I can tell already." He nodded to her right.

Turning, she laughed at the sight of Harper and Bryan fast asleep on a tiny cot bed, curled together along with a knitted teddy bear.

"No one wanted to go until they knew you were okay. I think Bellamy and the others have been up at the Peace-Facilitators' station all night and Monty radioed to say he'd be here in a few hours once he located Octavia." Miller took her hand as he said this, as if to reassure her it would all be alright. And she knew it would.

Yet, regardless, she couldn't push away the slightly nagging pain, which bubbled at the edges of her heart, as Miller passed Oriana over to her and she cradled her daughter close to her. Looking at her, there was no question she was Murphy's daughter too. And, even though she was surrounded by love, she felt his presence somehow, even though she knew he couldn't have been there, and a secret part of her wished he was with them too.

However, her thoughts were interrupted by Harper waking up and barrelling herself onto the bed. "Be careful Harper. She's a bit battered!" Miller admonished.

"Please!" Harper exclaimed, as she embraced them both. "She's Raven fucking Reyes."

                      ********

  
"Who was at the door?" she shouted at Miller. He and Bryan were hovering in the doorway between the main room and the porch. It was nine days later and they were at her house. She'd just got Oriana to sleep after what seemed like the longest feed. She was swaddled in her basket in her bedroom at last, when a gentle knock had sounded at the door and she'd sent the boys to silence it.

"Bryan has something to tell you," Miller said, somewhat pointedly. 

They both looked at Bryan expectantly. "Ermmm so..." he stammered. "Last week, when you were in labour and...., well you have to remember I thought you were going to die....and I wasn't thinking straight...., I may have bumped into Murphy..."

He didn't go on. Instead, he glanced behind him and moved clear into the room. From behind him, Murphy stepped in. Already, she could see he was nervous but he didn't take his eyes off her, searching her face for a reaction of some kind. He looked weary: his usually dark blue eyes seemed grey from where she was standing and were ringed with dark, deep pools. Instinctively, her heart quickened and she felt an urge to trace her fingers along the lines and sooth away whatever anxiety lay beneath.

Taking a small step, she welcomed him with a nod and he, slightly reassured, also moved further into the room.

On this shoulder, she then noticed Clarke for the first time. Clarke's eyes met hers and she realised the thing Clarke had been hinting at over the last week was that she already knew about Murphy. Wait, Bryan told him when she was in labour. _Was he there? She'd thought about him when she woke up. She'd felt his presence._ She looked from Bryan to Miller to Clarke and then back to Murphy. Fuck. There was no hiding it now.

Clarke finally spoke and broke the silence: "I just came round with Murphy to see if you or Oria needed anything. If not, we'll give you some space." Basically, she'd come as his escort, since he'd taken sanctuary at her place a few days earlier, and now intended to leave them to sort this out like adults. 

Raven replied they'd be okay for an hour or two while Oria was asleep. Miller, who already looked uncomfortable at being in the middle of the kind of incredibly awkward situation he probably had nightmares about, took that as their cue to leave, turned and practically forced Bryan and Clarke back out of the front door. 

Left alone, Raven and Murphy continued to stare at one another before he broke the silence. "You could at least offer me a coffee. Might help with the conversation we're about to have."

She laughed lightly, despite the tension, and they headed into the kitchen area. He leant against the counter, as she boiled the kettle on the stove. "So you know? Everything?" she asked finally.

"That we have a baby together. She's called Oriana. They didn't know if you would make it. Is that everything?" She nodded slightly, not trusting herself to say anything else and instead concentrated on the condensation on the side of the kettle.

"I saw her last week. She is ... wow!" His voice held an almost reverential tone. "I told those three not to tell you I was there. It didn't seem like the kind of heavy shit you needed to wake up to, after all you'd been through with the birth." He sounded concerned. _He was worried about you both_ , she realised, heart contracting. Her eyes flickered away from the kettle and met his for a moment. They're still grey in this light and etched with a tempest of pain, swirling in the depths. Guilt ebbed through her and she returned her gaze to the kettle. Silence stretched between them and she searched desperately for something to close it. Eventually he did it for her. 

His voice was filled with a sadness she didn't think she had heard from him before: "Raven, I'm not mad at you. I mean, I just want to ask - Why didn't you tell me... but I know why you didn't. _Why would you?_ "

Now she could hear resignation: a tone she does associate with him. Resigned to the fact people hate him and don't trust him and the intrinsic belief that would never change.

"Murphy. I know you don't think this but it really wasn't about you." Immediately, she saw the way he flinched taking her words as a rejection and struggled to explain what she was trying to articulate. "No, what I mean is it was about me and me not wanting to be that girl. I'm not that girl: the girl who gets pregnant and ruins everyone's life. I knew how much it meant to you to find redemption and you have a shot with that with Emori and in a new place. I just couldn't come through and flatten that opportunity like some reckless hurricane of drama."

She finally met his eyes again and saw they looked less anguished.

She went on: "I knew if I told her then you'd want to do the right thing, regardless of whether it hurt your relationship and I guess I couldn't face that," she continued. "Being Raven Reyes. Relationship wrecker."

He nodded and responded: "I get that and I am grateful for you trying to protect my relationship....But, I wondered as well if it was maybe because you were embarrassed and didn't want her to be tarnished by me...She's Oriana Reyes. Not Oriana Murphy. I understand that though: you wouldn't want people to know and that's okay too Raven. I wouldn't want to be related to me either." He laughed wryly but it was a laugh etched with sadness. 

She had just taken the - finally - boiling kettle off the stove as he said this and she placed it heavily and noisily on the thick wood of the side and turned to look at him fully. He swallowed hard and she saw all of his self hatred flash before her. _Fuck. No that's not it._ That had never been it. She wanted to fling herself against him, bury her face into his neck and reassure him of that: she had never been ashamed of the fact it was him. She had stopped hating him just over nine months ago in that bunker. She admired and respected him. She could see the man he wanted to be and was already on his way to becoming. She was embarrassed and ashamed of what she had done. What they had done together. Not of him.

"That's not it Murphy." Her voice sounded shaky and high and she wished she could steady it and say those things. "I was trying to protect ..." _You. Emori. My Heart_.

"...our daughter." He finished. That was true too.

He sighed and walked over and sat at the kitchen table, while she made them both coffee and tried to calm the turmoil of emotions churning and whirl-winding within her. She followed him over to the table and sat down carefully. Her body was still bruised from the trauma of childbirth it had suffered. They drank their coffee in silence.

"I want to be her father."

His words filled the air and she breathed them in, like oxygen.

He went on after a pause, "I had a good father. I think I could use that as a starting point. I owe you both - and him - that."

She didn't say anything. She didn't trust herself. She was already close to spilling out tears of gratitude and affection, which she knew weren't just hormone related. 

"Will you let me?" he asked, unsure of her reaction. 

"Do you think we can do this together? I mean with our history?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" he quipped. "We didn't actually kill each other...It could be worse."

Then, she genuinely smiled. That was one of the things she liked best about him. His ability to find humour in even the darkest scenarios and times.

"Our poor daughter. She's going to be so messed up. Her parents not only used to despise each other but they actually did almost kill each other!" This broke what remained of the frost and the two started to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Raven carried on, "So how did you meet? Well, your dad tried to murder me...And then I tried to get him killed in revenge..." 

"Hey! How many times - it was an accident!" he protested. He laughed again though at the ridiculousness and the ability of even the most painful situations to heal. However, what he wanted to say was - _I never despised you, Raven Reyes._ He wanted to say.... That's not all. _It's you. I came back for you too. You and Oriana. I'd never hurt you ever again._

Instead, they started to talk about Oriana and Raven told him about the last week, sleeping patterns, feeding, crying, her brown eyes which seemed to be flecked with grey sometimes and this cute thing she did with her nose. She told him about how helpful Clarke, Abby, Miller and Bryan had been and how, although it been hard and a massive change, she had really enjoyed herself, despite her reservations.

"Do you think you can find a space for me to be part of this?" he asked her,  serious this time.

"Yeah. I'm sure we can. We can work around your schedule. Are you going to be here in town or at ..." Her unspoken question hung in the air. _Have you told Emori?_

"Yeah. I'm going to be here. I've asked for a transfer. We've broken up. Turns out having a baby with someone else doesn't really sit well with your girlfriend." He grimaced, partly at his half lie. That obviously hadn't been the thing which had killed the relationship but he wasn't going to mention that. 

Raven whistled a low tune of understanding and offered an apology.

He shrugged. "Don't apologise. It took both of us. What's done is done and we've got someone else to think about now." He nodded towards where their daughter slept, before carrying on: "And imagine how shocked the others are going to be that we've worked out a civil way to parent together without anyone getting maimed." Raven nodded in humorous agreement.

Then, they considered the fallout which was to come: the stares and whispers and gossip. At least Oria was too little to be hurt by that. Raven though suddenly spoke up, a wicked gleam in her eye, "You know what people are going to say about you don't you?" He looked concerned. She went on, "That John Murphy's got a thing for disabled girls." It was in such bad taste but the two cackled with laugher together unrestrained, until the cry of a waking baby finally interrupted them.

Raven got up and headed towards her daughter's room. Glancing over her shoulder, she motioned him to come with her, "You're not getting out of this that easy. You're in this too now."

He smiled and followed her. He was. And nothing anyone could do or say could take away the unexpected happiness he felt about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry - my computer is broken so this was hard to edit as thoroughly as usual. Let me know if you spot any errors.


	13. Next: Part II: The Wedding

It was the afternoon of Miller and Bryan's wedding. Standing at the front of the congregation, the two were being watched intently by their friends, as they recited their vows.

However, although he was vaguely listening, Murphy definitely wasn't watching as intently as everyone else. His eyes kept flitting over, almost of their own accord, to where she sat on his left. She was leaning forward, completely engrossed and smiling at the scene unfolding in front of them. Looking at her, he could see how happy she was for Bryan and Miller. Not that he wasn't happy for them. Obviously, he was. He just desperately wanted her to look at him like that. Even if it was just for a moment. On his lap, his hand was clammy with longing to take hers and thread his fingers through her fingers, like Bryan and Miller were doing, as they exchanged vows.

They had been co-parenting for over five months. Following some negotiations and schedule swaps, they had worked out a routine of working and spending time with, and looking after, Oria. However, this meant that they often spent their time separately due to shift patterns and, sometimes, their friends chipped in with childcare as well, if they were both required to work. Turned out, having a new baby in a new world was pretty challenging, although now she was almost six months she'd be able to go to the town's nursery some days, which meant he and Raven could work some of the same shifts and, Murphy was hoping, see each other more.

Currently though, Murphy was still living in Clarke's spare room. He should have probably requested a new home but he was still secretly, and probably pathetically, hoping Raven would ask him to move in with them, although the chances of that seemed increasingly slim. Instead of accepting this grim reality however, he was keeping quiet and staying with Clarke. He had wondered whether this was having an impact on her love life, which seemed as non-existent as his own, although she was usually at work and he was usually at work or at Raven's with his daughter, so it was hard to tell conclusively. He'd wondered a few times about her and Bellamy but that seemed to be about as on as him and Raven. So, not on at all. Totally OFF in fact.

Anyway, surely it was better to avoid unsettling anything, he kept telling himself. He and Raven had come to a fairly peaceful arrangement. Obviously, spending more time with her and seeing her being a mother to their child hadn't done anything to change his feelings for her but he seemed to be stuck well and truly in the co-parent-with-nothing-else-attached zone.

Last week, she'd even mentioned that someone from the peace facilitators' unit had invited her out for a drink. Of course they had. Why wouldn't they? She was beautiful. Actually, who was he kidding: she was absolutely lush. Stunning. A goddess. Even with a baby and a bad leg, she was probably the most eligible woman in town. At the time, when she'd mentioned the date, she'd joked to Murphy that he was cramping her style as everyone assumed they were a couple. But she said she wanted to tell him and check it was okay before she went out with someone else.

For a moment when she told him, Murphy thought he caught sight of a longing in her eyes, like maybe she had wanted him to say - _no it's fucking NOT okay (that's exactly what he'd been thinking)_ \- but then she glanced away and he was sure he must have been mistaken. Why would someone like Raven want him? Just because they'd had sex once (okay four times - he definitely counted every one) before and the evidence of which starred at him daily, didn't mean she would ever want him again. And, he reminded himself, numerous times a day: _you were literally the only option in that bunker; the only option at the end of the world. Raven has countless options in this world and she'd never ever opt for you,_ he told himself sternly more than once.

Unfortunately though, the more time he spent with her, the more he wanted her for himself. She was everything: the way she looked after their daughter, the way she did her job, her intelligence, her strength, her laugh, her dark humour, her friendship and, god, THAT body, which was at this point taunting him on a daily basis.

Since his admission to Emori, he'd stopped fighting himself on it: he was hopelessly and besottedly in love with Raven Reyes. The brief time she'd been his solely was imprinted in his mind and he spent a lot of his alone time fantasising and thinking about her.

Right at that moment though, he found himself sitting next to her, during a wedding ceremony, which they were attending together ... but not together..., trying not to look at her.   _Who was he kidding?_ He'd spent the entire ceremony looking right at her, probably not so surreptitiously. She was dressed in a dark red dress, which accentuated every one of his fantasy curves. Harper, Clarke, Bryan and Raven had spent the last three weeks making everyone suits and ball dresses based on some old pictures they'd found and by god they'd done a good job. His own dark blue suit fitted perfectly and the girls looked like Princesses from old fairytales.

But Raven... She looked sensational. Beyond sensational. When she'd come out of her house to meet them all to walk to the ceremony, the reaction of others had reflected that. Harper had wolf-whistled, and commented, "Warn a girl, Ray!", Octavia had whooped and pointed out motherhood certainly wasn't stopping her hotness, which he thought was a comment on how amazing her chest looked (he had obviously noticed that too), and Clarke had asked if she was really sure she wasn't up for doing girls. Even Monty had looked her up and down, while Bellamy looked as though he was about to comment too but then reconsidered and said nothing, probably because he'd seen Murphy come out of the house behind her with Oria, looking ready to rip Bellamy's impure thoughts out of his throat.

Meanwhile, as he appeared, Murphy himself had managed a pathetic, "Yeah, you all look ..err... nice." You'd think he'd said a bad word, as all of the girls turned and glared at him. Turned out, half a lifetime in the SkyBox hadn't helped him compliment women, he thought as he followed behind them as they made their way across town. Monty had hung back a minute though and offered him a drink from a hip flask he had in his pocket. This was probably the first, real, positive, interaction the two had ever had and Murphy appreciated the gesture. Gratefully, he had taken a slug, while his eyes fixed on Raven's arse _. Fuck. It was going to be a long day._

Abruptly, his reverie into those earlier events was interrupted by a sudden smack on his shoulder. Looking up at the direction of the pain, he found Raven looking pointedly down at him and providing him with a truly excellent view of her breasts but he was otherwise confused with regards to the hitting.

"Stand up!" she hissed at him. Dragging his eyes away from her chest, he noticed Clarke behind her, motioning around them, where everyone else was upstanding for the Grooms. As he quickly tried to right himself, he felt their, and everyone else's, indignation rest heavily upon him. _Fuck. It was definitely going to be a long day._ He really hoped Monty had more moonshine.

                                                                                         ****

A short while later, he found himself back at Miller and Bryan's house, pinioned at the end of a long table. They had decided they were going to host a dinner for twenty of their closest friends and family, before heading out for drinks, dancing and general debauchary in the Town Hall and Square with anyone who wanted to come by. Murphy was already wondering whether he could escape, with the excuse he needed to collect Oria from the sitters, but he'd heard Harper mention that the douche ( _he was bound to be a douche right?_ ), who wanted to date Raven was coming and he figured he should at least stay around to glare at him.

So there he was, on a table listening to Miller's dad's toast and him sharing his favourite stories about them as a couple, which he'd begrudgingly had to admit were cute, particularly the one about Miller taking up martial arts in order to spend more time with this new boy he'd met on Farm Station and Bryan taking up chess at the same time (who knew Miller would be a chess fan!) After they all toasted to the couple, Miller's dad had then asked all of the table to share their favourite story about the two. Bellamy shared that a famously taciturn Miller had opened up about his boyfriend after their first night on guard together, back in the early days they spent on earth. Bellamy said Miller had asked if him having a boyfriend would be a problem and Bellamy had responded that it would only be a problem if he thought his boyfriend might fancy him, since everyone else did and he wouldn't want to steal him away from Miller. They obviously all groaned at that and Miller threw his napkin at Bellamy.

They continued to go around until they reached Raven, next to, and therefore directly ahead of, Murphy, and she told an abridged version of their first night in the bunker with the quip about 'it always being the quiet ones' included, which Murphy wasn't sure was the entirely parent friendly-edit but Miller's dad seemed to laugh along loudly with everyone else.

Then, all eyes were on him.

"You stole my story!" he jokingly admonished Raven.

Pausing, he thought for a moment, and then realised he really only had one other significant story.

"So it will have probably been three years ago, maybe a little more, when Bryan first came to visit Miller in the SkyBox. I remember that I was surprised because Miller had already had one visitor that day but his dad was a Captain so I just assumed he'd pulled some Alpha station strings to let someone else visit after him, ..." _Probably wasn't the time for that dig._

He carried on quickly, "Well, his visitor was Bryan, who was not only pretty drunk but had decided he was going to declare his love through the medium of song because Miller had dumped him after he'd been sentenced and he obviously thought this was the way to try to win him back. And thus, we had to listen to a truly awful version of 'I'll Never Stop Loving You' which, and I know I speak for us both, both Miller and I hope we will never have to endure again in this lifetime. Luckily, Miller saved him and me from the torture and cut Bryan off. He said, he'd take him back, if he stopped singing and promised never to sing again." Miller and Bryan were laughing now and Bryan was protesting that his singing was not that bad. Both Miller and Murphy contradicted him at the same time: "It is!"

"Well, after Bryan stopped torturing us more than we already were, being in prison and all, then Miller told him the reason he didn't want him there because he didn't think it was fair for him to wait for someone who was never making it out of the SkyBox. He said Bryan deserved to live and be happy and should try and meet someone else. But Bryan told him to fuck off and then started singing again - I've tried to block it out but something like 'IeeeI Will Always Love You' - and he said if Miller dumped him, he'd show up at visiting every week and sing until Miller changed his mind because it was hard enough to meet someone on the Ark but to meet someone he loved like Miller would never happen again. Luckily, Miller relented and took him back and since then they've only tortured us with the sound of their vocal love making, as described, in graphic detail by Reyes here in her story."

Murphy finished his story, bowed his head in exaggerated mockery and swept his eyes around the table. Most people were laughing and clapping loudly but Miller looked confused, as if Murphy had told a story he wasn't expecting and couldn't reconcile.

"Great story. But, I don't understand how you heard that. That was in Holding. When I first arrived at the SkyBox." The blood drained from Murphy's face and he realised his mistake and the secret he had inadvertently exposed with his story.

Miller went on, "I was only there for about seven months before we got sent here but you were there what -" He trailed off, with the slightly embarrassed realisation he didn't know the answer.

"Nine years." It was Clarke who interjected on Murphy's behalf.

"Bryan never came to visit again. They wouldn't let him. I never saw him after the holding cells until he got to Earth."

Attempting to shrug off the question, Murphy responded, trying to keep his voice level, "That was just where my cell was. I was on the fourth floor."

There was a long, baffled pause. "Wait... Always?" Miller's question was loaded and hung in the air.

Around the table, Murphy realised they were split into two groups: the remaining members of The 100, who'd experienced the sadistic behaviour of the guards in processing, who he guessed really lived up to their reputation as the meanest in all the SkyBox - not that he knew, since he'd never made it past there; and the confused faces of those who hadn't been imprisoned and didn't understand fully but knew enough to deduce something terrible had happened on the fourth floor.

"Errm. Yeah. I was on the fourth floor from when I was eight until we were sent to the ground."

The force of the realisation of what he was saying seemed to hit the table, smacking the air out of those sitting around it. He tried to avoid meeting anyone's gaze but Octavia's gasp made him look up and meet her eyes briefly, where she sat across from him. Miller and Monty looked visibly shaken and Clarke stretched across Raven to squeeze his shoulder. Next to Octavia, it was Harper who was visibly the most affected. She had placed a shaking hand over her mouth and their eyes met with unnerving shared knowledge, before she got out of her seat, rounded the table and hugged him fiercely. Although she didn't speak, she didn't need to because her hug said it all: _I know. I'm sorry._

It was Octavia who broke the silence, which he wished would just end. Bryan's singing would have been preferable to this: "Did you see us? All of us?" _Nope, they weren't letting it go._

"Ermm - yes - although I couldn't see much, mainly hear things, apart from the odd glimpse in the corridor as people went in and out. I remember that you were brave. I admired that. You wouldn't let them break you."

Octavia gawped at him: "But that means you saw and heard us all: Clarke, Harper, Miller, Monty, Jasper, Finn, me. All of us at our most vulnerable and you never exposed that. You kept our secrets."

Murphy met her gaze again: "I'd never have done that." He laughed dryly: "And you all know I've done a lot of truly shitty and terrible things. But never that." Suddenly, so many things made sense to the people around the table and everything shifted as the image of the boy they'd never really understood cleared before them.

He was hoping someone would move the conversation on. _Somewhere. Anywhere but here._

However, Raven turned to her right to face him.

"I visited Finn there - Did you see me?"

"Yeah I did. Except..." he smiled at her and rose his eyebrow in that typically Murphy way. "I thought I was hallucinating and you were a Siren," he said very seriously.

At this, Octavia and Bellamy, understanding the reference, burst into laughter.

Raven though looked confused, "What's a Siren?!"

Octavia leaned forward and explained to the whole table in a deliberately sultry tone: "Sirens are mystical and sensual creatures from Greek Mythology. They lulled men, usually sailors, to destruction and often death with their charms and voices."

Bryan quipped in response: "Well he certainly got that one right about Reyes and her charms on his teenage libido!" They all whooped loudly and clapped.

Murphy seized his opportunity to move away from the conversation and the suddenly too emotional turn it had taken, "Let's all stand and toast the happy couple: Miller and Bryan."

As he got to his feet, with his drink in his right hand, he breathed in deeply. It really was going to a long day. He hadn't intended to expose anything so personal about himself.

But, just as shame and anxiety considered creeping up within him, he felt Raven slip her hand into his and squeeze it gently, as she and the others echoed his toast. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to be the last chapter followed by a short epilogue. However, it was just too long and I wanted to work on the second part more so I have split in two. Plus, I was really sad that I was coming to the end so have tried to give myself a bit more time to enjoy these two.


	14. Next: Part III: The Wedding Reception

Following some way too energetic dancing, Raven, Octavia, Harper and Bryan, joined Abby and Clarke at the bar. They were flushed and laughing.

"Poor Miller," laughed Harper. "We keep making him dance against his will."

Across the hall, they saw Miller grab Bellamy and Monty and pull them out forcefully into the outside area of the Town Hall, clearly to make a temporary escape.

As they did, Murphy came through the doors and headed over to them to speak to Raven.

"Hey, I checked on Oria. She should be okay for the next couple of hours with the sitter, but I don't want to leave her too long since it's already pretty late, so will go back and collect her if you want to stay here."

Abby interjected, "Why don't I take Oria? If you don't mind. It might be nice for you kids to stay here and have some fun. I haven't been drinking, so I could look after her at Clarke's tonight and bring her over for the breakfast tomorrow morning."

At this, Murphy looked a little unsure but Raven answered for them, "That would be really kind Abby. Thank you. We would like that."

Excited at the prospect of extending the party, Octavia ordered a round of shots for them all and then dragged a slightly protesting Murphy outside to join the boys, where they were apparently having a smoke.

As they watched their backs disappear out of the door, Harper turned to Raven, "You know Abby has just given you an invitation to finally get it on with Murphy again. You need to jump that ass tonight, before the poor guy spontaneously combusts from sexual frustration. Everytime he looks at you, he is eyefucking every last bit of you in that dress."

Clarke, Abby and Raven all exclaimed, "Harper!" at the same time in response, while Bryan agreed with Harper and commented enthusiastically, "Hell yeah!" 

Harper laughed and shrugged unapologetically, "Hey we're all women, and Bryan, here. I'm just saying that Raven really needs to get laid and Murphy is clearly happy to oblige with that. How long has it been Raven?"

In response, Raven sighed and admitted it had been over a year and Harper exaggerated some mock horrified fainting, as Abby put her hands over her ears.

Shortly after, Harper gesticulated across the room and they turned to look at a tall handsome man. "If you don't want to complicate things with Murphy, why don't you go talk to him? Isn't he the guy who asked you out last week?"

Shrugging in a non-committal way, Raven responded, "Yeah. He's hot but I just don't know. I just don't fancy him. You can have him if you want."

Turning again, Harper considered the offer, "Maybe but I don't want to be second choice. Let's see after a few more drinks. I might get desperate and drunk enough to take him for a ride." Her comment sent Bryan and Raven into cackling laughter.

It was then Clarke's turn to interrogate Raven: "Is the reason you're not into the hottie over there because you're into someone else? Someone taciturn, moody and brooding, who, as Harper says, hasn't taken his intense sex-eyes off you all day?"

This was Abby's cue to leave: "I can't listen to my daughter and my practically adopted daughter talk about S.E.X." She jokingly spelled out the word, to the girls' and Bryan's amusement. Kissing them all goodbye, she went to say goodnight and congratulations to Miller, before going to collect Oriana.

Using Abby's departure as an opportunity to distract her friends, Raven tried to change the subject by ordering more drinks and asking about tomorrow's breakfast but Bryan cut her off, "Oh no. You're not avoiding this one. How do you really feel about John Murphy? You can't deny you want to sleep with him."

Raven sighed, "Yeah... I guess I like him." _There's an understatement Reyes_ : he was under her skin somehow, in a way she never expected. Raven longed to run her hands through his hair constantly, so she could push it back and explore the deep blue and hidden grey of his eyes properly; she longed to press her lips and her body against his and get lost in him; she longed to ask him to stay and be a family with her and Oria. Last week, when she'd mentioned her date, she was hoping he was going to react and push them towards some kind of confrontation. _A naked, brutal, intense, confrontation would have been good,_ if she was honest with herself. She continued: "I mean he drives me mad sometimes when he runs his mouth and yeah we disagree sometimes, okay most, of the time. But he is a lot of good things, you know." She paused and dropped her head to her forearms, so she wasn't looking directly at them, before continuing, "But god, yeah, I want to bang him."

Bryan whooped and cackled again, "I knew it. Then, why aren't you? Wait, side question, he's good with said mouth, right? With a mouth like that, he has to be surely?"

Flushing deeply, Raven looked back at her friends, "Over the last few months, every fantasy I have had, involves that mouth in some way... But, I just don't think he still wants or sees me like that. I mean, why hasn't he made a move?"

Harper responded that time, "Err because you're pretty intimidating Raven Reyes. I mean that in the nicest possible way obviously. And, although Murphy definitely has that sexy bad boy smirk, swagger and snark going on, you are probably one of the sexiest women in the world. Literally. The poor boy is clearly too petrified and is trying to do the right thing, maybe for the first time in his life. You need to help him the fuck out."

Clarke asked, "Who made the first move last time?"

Looking even more embarrassed, Raven admitted: "Me. I suppose..."

Bryan snorted, "You enticed him and seduced him and then threw yourself at him."

Admonishing him, Raven hissed, "Bryan!" Looking over at Clarke, she said apologetically, "I knew I shouldn't do it but I wanted him so much. I still want him. There's just something about him I'm really attracted to if I am honest. But I don't know if dragging him back to my bed is the best way to deal with that."

Harper scoffed, "Raven you've clearly been pining for him for well over a year."

Bryan added cheekily, "You said he was the best sex ever. I mean, no one has done it for you since. What's the worst that could happen: you get your mind blown tonight? It is a wedding night, remember." He winked in an exaggerated way, as if to really stress his point.

Although Clarke was slightly more restrained, she agreed with Harper and Bryan and encouraged Raven to at least tell him how she felt and to see if they could make a go of it.

"Okay," Raven agreed. "....Maybe after one more drink...."  Harper and Bryan high-fived and Raven called for more drinks.

Meanwhile, on the balcony, Miller, Monty, Murphy, Octavia and Bellamy were smoking a mixture of herbal roll-up cigarettes and cigars, the latter of which had somehow come into Miller's father's possession. Murphy had never smoked a cigar before and wasn't sure about the heavy sensation but the cigarette he was sharing with Octavia was at least making him feel less anxious and exposed after his earlier revelation.

Behind them, the doors were open wide into the Town Hall and he could see the others laughing at the bar. As he gazed, Raven titled her head back and laughed unrestrainedly with Bryan. _God, she was stunning._ After though, he noticed them turn and look at a man at the back of the room, who was standing chatting to a mixed group of townspeople. Realising who it was, Murphy dragged furiously on the cigarette and felt his jaw tighten.

"What's the matter, Murphy-boy?" asked Octavia, noticing his tension, as she took the roll-up to take another drag. Turning, she followed his gaze into the room.

"Who's that?" she asked.

Bellamy looked too and responded, "Petros. He has been making a play for Raven. He's in my team. Seems like a decent guy."

Octavia turned back to Murphy, "And how do you feel about your child's mother going out with him?"

Murphy shrugged and didn't elaborate.

Continuing to study him from where she was, Octavia carried on, "Mmm, I need to go and investigate I think."

Bellamy snorted at this.

"What? For Raven of course. I mean I can see he's verrryyy good looking from here but, without speaking to him, who knows. I mean he looks ..."

"...like a total prick." All eyes were on Murphy, whose words had cut her off.

Slightly sheepish, he muttered, "I think that was supposed to be in my head."

In the wake of his comment, they stood in silence for a moment, before anyone else spoke.

Then, Monty broke the tension and mentioned that he'd met someone. A man from Trikru, which they all responded enthusiastically to.

"Aren't you going to say that you knew it?" Monty asked Miller.

Miller responded, "No! I am just really pleased you've met someone you like... Although, I did totally call you as more into guys!"

Monty laughed, "Yeah I'm really into him. I mean, I think I'm fairly open to girls still too but, for now, I am pleased I went for something and am happy. But what about everyone else? Miller and Bryan are married now. Octavia has a fantastic new partner, when she's not too busy being badass. What about you Murphy? Are you ever going to tell her how you feel about her?" Appropriately enough, Murphy's attention had already drifted back to Raven and, as Monty asked his question, he was staring right at her, which meant he could not really deny the obvious.

Instead, he shrugged again. "We're good how we are. It's important Oria has two good parents. Raven and I know what it's like to grow up without that and we are trying to make her childhood as different to ours as possible."

Octavia chipped in, "But even the dead can see that you are completely crazy about her. The two of you make a surprisingly cute, and not to mention hot, couple. Why don't you make a move? Or are you going to let the 'prick' swoop in and take your girl?"

Murphy smiled wryly at her 'air-quote' but shook his head firmly. "She doesn't need me. She's Raven Fucking Reyes. She can have anyone she wants and she deserves that. Not some loser like me."

Surprisingly, it was Bellamy who then spoke up, "I owe you an apology, Murphy; I was so wrong about you. When we arrived here, I didn't try to understand who you were or what had happened to you. Instead, I did what I always do and went ahead all guns blazing. You are not a bad person Murphy. You have proved that over and over again. And you are certainly not a loser."

Monty then quietly spoke up too, "Mgebe told me about the guards on the fourth floor when we were in the cells next to each other years ago. He said there was a boy up there. His friend. I'm sorry Murphy. They should never ever have done that to you. To any of us. But we deserve to be happy. To live the lives they stole from us as children. You deserve that as much as me or anyone else." It was probably the most Murphy had ever really heard Monty say. He'd always seemed to hide in Jasper or Clarke's shadows but, when he spoke, the sincerity of what he said pricked at Murphy's eyes and he nodded gratefully, but unable to speak. Octavia took both their hands and squeezed them gently.

Miller then added, "We have all made so many mistakes and we have all suffered for them and the mistakes of others. The reason I wanted to marry Bryan was because I wanted to show that good things do happen. We can all be happy again. For what it is worth Murphy, I think you are twice the man that 'prick' is and you have my blessing to hit on my girl Reyes. And, for the record, I spent a very uncomfortable journey in an enclosed space with the two of you. She was, and I'm pretty sure is, totally in to you. To use one of Harper and Bryan's favourite terms, you really need to stop eye-fucking each other and just bang and get it over with."

Miller's bluntness tipped them into laughter, with Octavia cheering for what she called the 100 boys' 'love-in-bonding' moment.

Suddenly, Murphy noticed Raven walking across room towards them. Although it was less walking and more stalking towards them. Stepping out into the outside area, she stood in front of him, not acknowledging any of the the others really at all. They stood looking at one another for a moment, before she looped her arms over his neck and placed her mouth close to his ear.

Her voice was scratchy and in a tone he'd heard before, back in the bunker, as she murmured, "Take me home."

Murphy was pretty sure he nearly choked. Past Raven's shoulder, he could see Miller nodding firmly and Bellamy giving him an encouraging smirk, while Octavia did an unrestrained victory shuffle.

Realising he was unable to reply, Raven took his hand firmly, threading her fingers through his, like he'd wanted to do earlier at the ceremony, before she dragged him with her, while shouting, "Bye guys. See you tomorrow. Enjoy your wedding night Miller. Don't wake the whole town, ehhhh." Behind them, Murphy heard the others start to cat-call and whistle loudly and excitedly, as they watched them head back across the square in the direction of Raven's house.

They didn't actually make it that far.

Murphy guessed they were about two thirds of the way there, when she spun around suddenly and pushed herself against him, her mouth capturing his firmly. The kiss turned passionate and sloppy almost instantly and Murphy found himself lifting Raven, who straddled his waist, as he backed her firmly against the side of a house. Their mouths attacked one another's fiercely, as they battled for dominance. Sensations burned within Murphy and he gasped for breath, as Raven bucked against him, also gasping and mewling with need. Even in the dark, with just the dimmest street light, Murphy could see her lips were already swollen and her eyes filled with lust. He felt her hands go to his belt and he grabbed them and held them firmly above her head. Involuntarily, she rocked herself against him and whined, as he rested his forehead against hers and tried to catch his breath and control himself. Panting into his mouth, she captured his lower lip again, sucking on it firmly. "Murphy. I can't wait. I need you to take me. Now. Here. I need you, please. Please John."

Her begging and uncharacteristic use of his first name almost broke him and the way she arched her back, making her chest push into him, nearly finished him off. He wanted nothing more than to undo his belt, ruck up the long skirts of her red ball gown and enter her in one swift movement but he realised he needed to say something before he lost his nerve and never did.

He blurted out, "I can't do this."

In his arms, she immediately recoiled with his words. At first, she looked confused and down at him, where it was very clear that, physically, he was ready and could indeed do this, as he strained prominently through his suit trousers. Then, she looked up, her eyes gleaming with hurt, which made her look exposed and vulnerable. Pushing back against him, she made him release her hands, as she struggled to drag her body away from his. Panic seized Murphy as he gently put her down and stepped back. _Fuck. She thinks you don't want her._ He couldn't articulate what he was trying to say though and she tried to push past him, visibly upset.

"No. Wait. Raven. Please."

Spinning, she turned to face him, "Please don't explain. I have clearly made a mistake. Let's not do this. Let's just leave it and forget about it. It will never happen again."

Turning, she made to move. One step. Two steps. _Fuck. She is walking away from me._ _**Again**_. Panic bubbled inside him, blocking the words from coming out. Three steps. Four steps. He was going to lose her.

"It was you." His voice seemed high and shrill in the still darkness of the evening.

She paused for a moment, confused.

"You're Her. From Before I mean."

She half turned back towards him, unsure.

"I loved you.

When I saw you in the Ark.

When I thought you were a Siren.

I knew then.

I loved you before I ever met you.

Now. I know too.

I still know.

Now. I love you.

I love you."

Then, the fragments of his confession came tumbling out. More than three years' worth of them. Seeing her in the SkyBox. The reason he really resented Finn: _because he had you_. The Siren. The Goddess. His dream girl. The girl whose image had fused itself into his consciousness and into his heart. The girl who kept him alive and who made him feel again. His horror when he shot her. His promise which he made to himself that if both of them didn't die, he'd fix it somehow. _In this life or in his next one, I was going to make it up to you._ Everything he'd wanted to say in the bunker. That final kiss outside the Power Station and what it meant to him and all the things he'd longed to say to her then. What he'd really told Emori and  _that it has always been you._ His fears about losing her and the thought that: _If you died, a part of me would have died too._ That he didn't want her to go out with some other prick. That her wanted her to be his. That he loved her. _I love you._

In front of him, she stood gawping, and briefly he wondered if he'd gone too far and painted himself as a crazy, obsessive, stalker. But she cut that thought and his rambling off though, as she stepped back towards him, rested her hands on his jaw, traced her fingers along it into his hair, pushing it back, looked at him searchingly and kissed him instead. It wasn't as manic as their kiss moments ago but it said more. It said: _I want you too._ Something which Murphy wouldn't have ever thought possible, as she steadied him and brought him to her, exploring his mouth with her tongue, as she grasped his hair and jaw with her hands.

After a few moments, she drew back and spoke seriously to him: "We need to be in the house for this," before dragging him behind her. She pulled him firmly with her and they staggered, giddy, back to the house, just about making it. As she tried to unlock the door, his restraint broke and he kissed down her neck, while his other hand groped her backside and attempted to pull up her dress. Laughing, she managed to finally unlatch the door and they fell through the frame and into the house, with Murphy slamming the door loudly as she turned back to him.

Then, they were glued together again, and they were clumsily removing his jacket and tie and shirt. After just one button, Raven, impatient, started to simply pull his shirt off, without unfastening the rest. He didn't protest at the ripping sounds but joked she'd spent a lot of time sewing those on. He was cut off though, as she stepped back and pulled her dress over her head in one motion, and then threw it seductively to the floor. In front of him, she then stood, completely naked (turned out his fantasy about her having no underwear on under that dress was more than just fantasy), lit up only by the back light of the moon. Gasping, Murphy took her in, remembering the first time he'd seen this goddess. None of his initial admiration had changed. He wanted her more than ever. Even more than Before. Lustfully, he looked her up and down before hauling her up over his shoulder and carrying her into her bedroom and depositing her firmly onto her bed in just her brace, which she hastily removed.

He took a moment to catch his breath, as he slowly undid his own belt and worked his trousers down, kicking off his boots and socks. Then, he hooked his underpants and worked them down too. His mind subconsciously returned to her strip tease on the beach and he felt his cock pulse. He was beyond ready.

Lying on the bed, Raven looked up at him. He looked so hot to her and she struggled to move her eyes off him but she couldn't wait any longer. Reaching out, she put her hand out to him. He took it and she pulled him down to her. Their lips immediately met again and she tried to his guide him into her quickly and without preamble but he pulled back again.

"Hey Raven. Don't rush. We've got Time. For once, it's on our side. I'm going to reacquaint myself with every inch of this body and put my mouth on every bit of it." As he said this, his hands snaked down her chest, raking her hard nipples gently, before his hands traced down her abs and sides and legs. True to his word, he kissed along the left side of her jaw and down her throat. Already, she could feel the wetness coating her thighs and she squeezed them together.

Gasping, she arched into him, as he licked her collarbone and began to trail down her left breast, tongue tracing the outline of her nipple before sucking it suddenly. Groaning and bucking, her hand automatically reached for her clit but he swatted it away and pressed his thumb to it instead, as he continued to suck her nipple and then kiss the underside of her breast and down her ribs, tracing with his free hand where his mouth had led, before doing the same with her hip bone and down her pelvis. Achingly close, he pressed harder with his thumb before moving down the inside of her leg.

"Murphy," she panted, struggling to formulate words.

"It's been a while. And I need you to ..." Her plea is cut off by his mouth, which was suddenly between her thighs and latching on to where his thumb had been, making her buck with both pleasure and relief as he began to alternate sucking hard, circling and pressing the back of his tongue there, while working two fingers on his other hand in and out of her steadily.

He paused momentarily and spoke, "Is that what you need Ray? I will give you whatever you need. It's been a while for me too but want to enjoy this. Trust me, I've fantasised about being back here again enough times." He returned to his routine, tormenting her but pushing her firmly towards her climax. Just as she hung on the edge though, he pulled back and she cried out his full name in frustration. He laughed in response.

She repeated, "I'm not fucking kidding John Murphy. It's been over a year and I'm harder up here than you, trust me. I need you." And then he did as she demanded, as he suddenly rolled and sucked her clit into his mouth and she lost it against him, crying out his name and shouts of relief.

Moments later, she hauled him up to her and told him very very firmly to 'Get the fuck on with it.' Checking her implant was definitely working this time (trust her - she'd had it triple checked), he then followed her instructions and buried himself deep inside her, leaning his head against her jaw to catch his breath for a moment, before he started moving with her.

"Tell me again," she gasped as she began to circle her hips up towards him, so the flat of his pelvis sent spasms of sensation through her. "Tell me about Before. Tell me how you feel about me."

"A goddess.

A siren.

The most perfect thing I'd ever seen.

I wanted you for myself.

I fantasied about you for years.

I never thought you would be mine. I wanted to tell you so many times.

You were Raven Fucking Reyes and you were the most perfect thing I'd ever seen.

I loved you before I knew you.

I loved you Before."

He kissed her deeply to punctuate between each sentence.

His breathing grew increasingly laboured and short as he hitched her legs up high and continued to rock against her firmly, repeating his earlier declarations.

Then... she was coming and crying out his name. His first name. Over and over, with complete abandonment, as he followed her somewhere he'd never dared dream was possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter. They got there. Finally!


	15. Now

Waking up, she senses immediately it's early: the curtains are open still, since they obviously hadn't drawn them in their haste the night before. Beyond the window, she can see a slight slither of autumn sun appearing on the horizon but, otherwise, everything is still and peaceful.  

Turning, she looks at the young man nuzzled into her side; his chin and mouth resting gently against her upper arm and shoulder and his fingers still linked with hers by her side. He looks peaceful too, something which makes her heart pulse for him, with happiness for once, and she itches to run her hands along his appearing stubble and through his hair again but she knows she should let him sleep. They'd stayed up late, talking and laughing and then making love again into the early hours. If the first time had been frantic and desperate, the second had been passionate and slow, as they'd rediscovered one another.

Thus explaining her happiness this morning. It is a good morning and, although she is tired, and slightly thirsty from the previous day's drinking, she feels reluctant to go back to sleep. Instead, she shuts her eyes and relives Murphy's declaration from the previous night and then the ways he went about proving said declarations. _That boy **really** knows how to put his mouth to good use,_ she thinks as she recalls each moment and a pleasurable shudder runs through her body and her back arches slightly, as a natural reflex. She moves her hand from his and onto his upper thigh.

Beside her, Murphy stirs and runs his mouth up her shoulder and to her neck, kissing up it delicately and moving to her jaw, before muttering in her ear, "Go back to sleep, Reyes. Nothing is awake: not the rest of the wedding party, not our baby and certainly not the lark, so let's enjoy this rare opportunity."

For about two minutes, Raven rests peacefully, echoing Murphy's breathing patterns which press against her neck with her own but, quickly and almost unconsciously, she feels her breath catching and desire stirring in her chest, stomach and between her legs.  Slipping her right hand back into his, she carresses his fingers and draws them towards her and between the warmth of her legs, which are still marked with the evidence of the previous night, something which turns her on even more. Following her moves, Murphy initially cups her and brushes his thumb against her very sensitive clit and she lets out a guttural groan, and then a high-pitched whine, as he pulls his hand away reluctantly.

"Ray, you've only slept for five hours. You need to look after yourself. Get some more sleep first. Plus, I think we went pretty hard last night, right? Rest first."

Sighing in frustration, but knowing he is right, she shuts her eyes again. She knows he is just thinking about her and the fact they have a rare opportunity to get some proper sleep. From what he'd said last night, she knows he wants to spend all of his time with her and they will have lots of opportunities to be together. And she wants that too.

_I want that. I want_ _him._

Her mind is clear on that, although she hasn't been able to really voice it yet, beyond her desperately needy demands in the heat of passion the previous night. During the second time around, the words had hovered on her lips but had been engulfed by pleasure as she rode him and his fingers worked her.

He didn't seem concerned by her lack of declaration at the time but now she wants to show him, even if she can't find the words. _That is it,_  she thought to herself. _Words_. She isn't great with words. Finn had always been the romantic one: soppy poems and romantic ideology.

Surprisingly, Murphy is pretty good with words as well, at least when it comes to her it seems. Her heart swells, remembering the knowledge he's been in love with her for years. Plus, he knows exactly how to utilise entirely different words, when they are in bed. Filthy, erotic and lust filled words, which leave her panting, wrecked and listlessly unable to vocalise anything, except moans and gasps. And some pretty shameful begging now she thinks about it. She realises she'd had a nerve criticising Bryan, knowing she'd been very _very_ loud last night.

_Christ, I'll have to control that when Oria is here..._

_...Murphy will be here, right?_

Nervous doubt creeps into her chest but glancing at him is enough to push it away. _Yeah, he will be here_. He will be here for as long as she asks him to be and he'll stay and be a good partner to her and father to Oria, unlike her own. She just needs to ask him. Resolving to do so later, she decides to ask him something else first.

Sliding out of bed, she goes to fasten her brace and then slowly moves to the door.

Standing in the doorway, she quietly whispers, "Murphy. Baby."

On the bed, he doesn't open his eyes but sighs in mock exasperation at her, "Yes, Reyes." Before adding with a laugh, "Baby? That doesn't suit either of us."

She laughs too, "Yeah I was trying it out. I can't sleep, so I thought I'd try out the new shower I fitted." She can see his interest is piqued and continues, voice sexy and sultry, "It's got a seat. Doesn't sound hot I know. But it's the right height to see if I'm as good with my mouth as you are with your mouth. Baby." She adds it for good measure but knows her plan has worked, as she turns and heads towards the bathroom.

Murphy catches up with her by the time the water is running, helps her remove her brace and lifts her into the shower with him.

"I thought you were tired," she gently admonishes him.

"Fuck sleep. I'm twenty. I'll sleep when I'm dead. We're living in the present and you're right we need to take every second of that. Especially when you have a new shower and we're both downright _filthy_." The emphasis he places on his last word sends a spasm of pleasure through her and she decides she knows what kind of terms of endearment suit her and Murphy best.

By nine am, they are running late, having gone back to bed and fallen into a deep, sated sleep after their shower. Murphy knows that when he dies the moment of desperately pressing his hand against the steamed-up glass, with his other hand tangled in Raven's hair, will be the last image he sees.

When they woke up, they'd hurriedly got dressed and are now in Raven's front room together. She's sitting at the table, putting her damp hair into a bun using the mirror on the wall a few feet in front of her. Standing behind her, he gently brushes up the wisps of her hair and helps her secure the rest into her bun. 

Smiling, she catches his attention in the mirror. "John Murphy, hairdresser exordinaire?" 

"Yeah let's tell Bellamy I'm changing career."

"You need your bangs cut. I can do it later if you want," she tells him. 

"It's not bangs or a fringe! It's just long hair, which protects my eyes," he retaliates, slightly defensive.

"Hey, don't worry. We'll leave it then. I just think it's a shame that we can't always see your eyes...You know you have amazing eyes right?" Her tone is soft and his eyes move from their dropped position and meet hers in the mirror momentarily. Shrugging, he drops them again and rests his hands on her shoulders, massaging them for a few minutes, and then focusing on a knot on her neck, without answering.

With his hands on her, Raven loses focus on their conversation and enjoys the sensation, humming gently to encourage him to continue. She'd insisted they concentrate on him during their earlier shower, despite his attempts to turn the tables and, as a result, her arousal is heightened as soon as he touches her. 

"John," she whispers. 

"Raven?" 

"I think we can be late. Just this once."

Their eyes meet in the mirror again, clearly they are both turned on.

_Christ, he is beautiful. That jawline. His lips._ _And his eyes_ , which now burn into the image of hers. She tries to find the words, "John I meant it: you have amazing eyes. You are the most beautiful man I have ever met. You make me want you so badly. And I need you to fuck me against this table, before we leave this house." 

During her initial declaration, he had looked shyly towards the table but with the last line, he looks up with a wolffish grin, licking his lips in anticipation of what she is offering.

From her chair, Raven places her palms on the table and eases herself into a standing position in front of him, before quickly moving the chair out of his way. Instantly, he steps into the space, pressing his front into her back and linking his hands with hers on the table. Looking at him in the mirror, she begins to slowly move her hips enjoys his reaction as he drops his eyes with a groan and pushes against her, echoing her movements. She can feel how hard he is against her and it spurs her on. 

"Look at me." She pauses and he looks up quickly with a whine, only restarting her movements when his eyes meet hers. 

"I want to see you, John Murphy. I want to really see you." 

In the reflection, he swallows and nods. Keeping her eyes on him, she continues to move her hips deliberately, stopping every time he breaks eye contact, until he meets her gaze in the mirror once more. She keeps up a slow and teasing pace, until she decides it's time to stop torturing him and moves his hands onto her hips to steady her, before she slowly drags her tank top over her head. Noticing his eyes move down to where her breasts strain against her bra, she gently admonishes him, "Hey what did I say. Eyes up." He laughs and kisses along her jaw, before meeting her eyes again, as she toys with the bottom of her bra.

"You know if you take that off, it'll be actually, physically, impossible for me to keep my eyes up," he warns in a low tone. 

"Oh really," she taunts him and begins to peel it off, at an almost painfully slow pace, arching her back deliberately as she unveils herself, before smirking and throwing her bra to one side. 

Raking his eyes up and down her, Murphy quirks, "Christ if this is your post-baby body, then there's something to be said for teenage motherhood." 

"I'm actually almost twenty one; I'm all woman."

Murphy laughs in agreement, "Oh trust me, I know." He ghosts his hands from her hips and to her upper legs, before firmly gripping her thighs and moving his hands up. She's wearing a short, khaki-print military-style skirt and he's grateful that she's feeling brave enough for once to wear a skirt and expose her injured leg, so he shares his gratitude with her about it, as he runs his fingertips over the front of her underwear.

Gasping, she laughs, "Yeah, I thought we might need the easy access. I was planning on jumping you later at Bryan and Miller's post-wedding party but seems I can't even wait that long." 

Pushing her underwear aside, he begins rubbing against her clit, finding just the angle she likes, as he continues to kiss down the side of her neck, while his other hand continues to work her left nipple. As he enters a finger into her, she groans in pleasure and braces herself forward onto her hands, head dropping down towards the table's surface.  Immediately, he stills both his hands, mouth and the movement of his hips. 

"Eyes up, that's what  _you_ said right, baby?" he taunts her.

In front of him, she looks up, lips parted and begging incomprehensible words and he knows he will never ever be able to deny her anything. As he restarts his movements, he concentrates on her every move and sound to get her to the peak she needs, which leaves her grabbing behind to undo his belt, before guiding him into her and the two of them losing it and ending up face down entwined on her kitchen table.

"Shit. If you keep distracting me and making me come like that, I'll never make it to anything on time again," she jokes as she attempts to rearrange her clothes and hair back into place. 

Some time later, they find themselves standing outside Harper's house, finally ready for breakfast with their friends. They'd called at Clarke's but it was empty and clearly Abby and Clarke had already brought Oria over, tired of waiting for her parents to show up. Raven realises that she's actually quite nervous, like they're about to go on a first date, or she's introducing him to her parents (well, if her parents were normal ones like the Griffins or the Millers at least). For a moment, she wants to take his hand but feels it might be too intimate or too much, which she knows is crazy considering they've just been screwing on the table in her house and how much of her he's explored at this point, but she's acutely aware they haven't defined what they're actually doing, beyond having awesome sex. 

However, she's saved from her indecision about the handholding, as the door flings open and they find themselves engulfed by the hug of an enthusiastic Harper, who then drags them excitedly into the house.

In the kitchen, they are amused to find their friends in various states of disarray. Monty is resting his head against the table and a slightly dishevelled Clarke and Octavia are drinking coffee, water and juice simultaneously: a clear sign they are definitely suffering. Even Bellamy, who is making coffee and helping Miller cook, looks a little worse for wear.

Meanwhile, Bryan is sitting in a chair, with Oria raised over his head. Their daughter is shrieking with delight and clapping her plump little hands.

"Hey guys. She clearly hasn't missed us," Raven greets them.

Abby laughs, "She was a very good girl, who slept through most of the night and is now having fun with Bryan. Don't worry though, I'm watching him, since I think some people might still be somewhat drunk."

On closer inspection, Murphy and Raven can see that Bryan does look slightly wrecked, although incredibly happy.

Murphy mock admonishes him, "Yeah give me my daughter. I think you're too drunk for this responsibility." As Bryan hands her to him, Oria screeches loudly and gleefully when she sees Murphy and realises it's her daddy who has arrived. Kissing her gently, Murphy hugs her to him, and suddenly feels as insanely happy as Bryan looks.

Raven leans forward to kiss Oriana too, before turning back to the room and asking, "Soooo.....How are people's heads this morning then?"

There's a collective and painful groan.

She laughs, "Where did you all end up?"  

Harper starts, "Well, I ended up in bed with two people..." She glances at the horrified look on Abby's face and continues, "Haa, don't worry Dr Griffin, you don't need your earplugs, I mean these two beauties, Octavia and Clarke. Christ, we were hammered. We bunked here at mine as Octavia and Clarke didn't want to wake you and Oria up."

"Monty though got very lucky... he got to share with me." Bellamy then adds to the amusement of the others.

Shaking her head, Abby informs them, "I don't know about you thinking you weren't waking people up because I definitely heard a shocking version of Bryan's song in the early hours."

At this, Bryan has the has good-grace to look embarrassed, especially when Miller's father also adds that he heard them all going home across the square and had also had the pleasure of listening to Bryan's singing. 

Miller's dad is quick to reassure him though, "Enjoy it. Seriously, you've all grown up too fast and you deserve some fun for once. Remember, part of our wedding present was we adults would do the clean up, so am going to head off to help Kane and then we'll see you at the soccer tournament this afternoon. You might all need to pull yourselves together by then though, if you want to redeem yourself from being the drunk Sky kids." Abby heads off with him and leaves the younger generation to pile up their plates and enjoy the buffet breakfast Miller was somehow managing to produce.

After cleaning up, they all congregate in the lounge, trying to desperately mainline more fluids.

Like Raven earlier, Murphy suddenly feels self-conscious and uncertain. Unsure of where to sit, he remains standing with his daughter, entertaining her as the others talk amongst themselves. 

"Soooo Murphy," Bryan suddenly pointedly turns to him and Murphy looks worried, assuming he's going to ask something explicit about him and Raven and what happened last night. 

Instead, he says something completely unexpected: "We've got you a present. Now, I know all your birthdays have probably come at once today already .... and I mean that pun literally."

Clarke and Miller interject with an ewwwww at this point, while Harper cackles so hysterically she almost falls off her chair.  Flushing, Murphy is shocked, though more at the realisation that Bryan knows it's his birthday than his sex jokes. No one knows it's his birthday today surely. He's definitely not told anyone.

Bryan carries on, oblivious to his shock, "But we wanted to get you something and Harper, Clarke, Bell and I found these when we were up clearing some derelict areas around one of the new settlements. Bellamy chose the ones he thought you'd like."

In front of him, Bryan presents Murphy with a parcel wrapped in brown paper and he passes Oriana over to Raven. Carefully, Murphy unwraps the paper and finds himself looking at some old but well preserved books, including: 'The Iliad', 'Hamlet', 'The Hobbit', 'The Count of Monte Cristo'. A wave of something ghosts over him and he doesn't know what to say, as he struggles not to let the weight of his emotions overwhelm him. Bellamy Blake knows he'll like 'The Count'. Three years ago, he never would have thought this could be possible.

Clarke seems to sense his feelings and interjects on his behalf, "It was Bryan and Bellamy's idea. Harper and I whinged they were fucking heavy most of the way back." Everyone laughs at this. 

Murphy finds his voice at last, "Thank you. I'm really grateful. It's been a long time since I've had a present." _Thirteen years_ remains unspoken. It was a book then too from his father.  _Treasure Island_. He tries to keep his voice light, as he continues to battle the lump in his throat, and avoids meeting anyone's eyes for too long. "How did you know? I didn't tell anyone."

Miller answers, "When we registered to get married a few weeks back, we had to look at the records and you were born a few weeks after Bryan so I noticed it and we thought we'd better get you something since we were planning on stealing two days for our wedding celebration." He adds, "My present is I've made you a cake for later, after the game." By now, Murphy is considering sobbing. Nathan Miller has made him a cake. An actual cake. 

It's Octavia who breaks the tension this time, "I'm not sure a cake or a book is particularly practical, so I've got you a knife. A really sharp one." Everyone falls about laughing and Oriana shrieks and claps in excitement with them. 

When they catch their breath, Octavia produces the knife but hands it to Raven, instead of Murphy. Raven who is looking less than impressed. Actually, if looks could kill Murphy thinks he'd already be dead. Octavia acknowledges this too as she adds, "I'm giving it to Raven, so she can use it to threaten your balls, since you clearly didn't tell her and your daughter it's your birthday." 

Suddenly, everybody decides they need to take the rest of their dishes into the kitchen/collect the soccer strips in a rush and Murphy finds himself alone facing his ... what is she .... girlfriend? He isn't sure but he is sure she's pissed off and has a knife. _Good work Octavia_ , he thinks.

"Why the fuck did you not tell me it's your birthday? You're twenty today?" Her eyes blaze at him.

"Hey Ray, please don't be like this. Honestly, it's not a big deal." He tries to sooth her but he can see she is upset that he hasn't told her and the others, assuming she already knew, hadn't thought to mention it to her. 

In Raven's arms, Oria looks between them, sensing the tension and decides to pipe up, "Da? Day?"

Murphy smiles at her, " Yes, Mummy is cross with Da because he didn't tell her it's his birthday, so she couldn't buy him a pony like he has always wanted." From the kitchen, Murphy hears Bryan and Harper guffawing with laughter at this quip. "Stop eavesdropping!" he shouts at them before adding, "But did you hear her say Da!"

Raven scoffs at him, "Don't even try it! She's saying Day not Da. And I don't forgive you. We'd have got you something too, you know," she adds sadly, as she limps into the kitchen. _Way to go Murphy,_ he thinks to himself. 

Following her in there, he finds everyone's eyes on him momentarily, before they all busy themselves with sorting the soccer strips and team formation, which Bryan seems to have drawn up on a blackboard he's clearly 'liberated' from somewhere.  

They've made the strips for the tournament Kane has set up as a friendly get together between the once rival factions. Murphy thinks it seems a little trivial, considering they've all actually killed each other but the others are desperate to play as a team. They're playing as The 100, with Bryan as a ringer. Octavia is already changing into her strip and produces a tiny matching top for Oriana, taking her from Raven to dress her in it. 

Seeing his chance, Murphy goes and leans against the kitchen counter behind Raven, reaching his hand out and sliding his fingers through hers. Feeling her squeeze his fingers in response, he firmly tugs her hand, spins her around and pulls her firm against him.  

"You know Bryan's right," he announces, not caring who hears. "I mean in less vulgar terms than he put it... at least for public consumption anyway," he smirks at her, and she flushes at his lower tone and innuendo of the latter part of his sentence.

He continues, "I haven't had a birthday present for thirteen years and I am incredibly grateful that these guys can forgive me and let me be part of this but I've already had the best present I could ever ask for. The thing I wanted more than anything from that moment in The SkyBox. _You_. The most stunning, smart, sexy, Siren-like, sophisticated and sensual..." She breaks and starts to smirk at this point and he laughs with her, "Sorry the 'S' theme seemed good in my head... I should probably have done Rs for Raven Reyes: ravishing, radiant, resilient, ermm, I'm stuck, help me out guys, righteous? Maybe no..." 

Luckily, Raven saves him from his desperate rambling, by hauling him even closer to her and by cutting him off with a fierce kiss, which he responds to passionately for a minute or so, before remembering they're standing in the midddle of Harper's kitchen, as he becomes dimly aware of their friends applauding and cheering loudly behind Raven. They break apart and she rests her forehead against him, slightly giddily, trying to steady herself. He seems to have that effect on her.

Turning, they see Octavia has jokingly put her hands in front of Oriana's eyes and is pretending to 'shield' her from such unsuitable scenes. 

Throwing Murphy a jersey, Bryan comments, "If you two can hold off getting a room for ninety minutes then that would be great. Monty and I are running quite a high book on this game. Murphy, you're in goal. We've heard from Raven you're good with your hands." 

This of course sets the others off again and as they pile out of the house, they're all still laughing and joking with each other.

Hanging back for a moment, Raven looks at him and reaches for him again, desperate to tell him the thing she had promised herself earlier, "It's more than that though. I mean, yes, you are good...okay  _very_ good with your hands ... but I'm in love with you too."

In the moment of her confession, she sees the grey of his eyes sparkle, almost as though over a decade of pain is lifted. She carries on, "So in love with you, John Murphy. I think I realised that back in the bunker. That first night we spent together, before we made love. I saw you properly for the first time and I knew, even then, that it was you. And then, it just kept growing from there. That day we spent together at the beach and was the most perfect day of my life. By the time you kissed me, I was already totally screwed. I wanted you so _so_ badly. I wanted you then. I wanted you afterwards. I want you now. I want us to be together. To be a family. We can do that right?"

Not trusting himself to speak, he just nods firmly and both their eyes fill with tears: tears of gratitude and joy and, above all, love, as he tips her face towards him and kisses her again. It reminds her of the kiss they'd shared outside the power station but, this time, they've said the things they want to say.   

Now, Murphy and Raven follow the others, with their hands still linked together, watching a sight which the Murphy from Before would never have believed he would see: their happy friends in the new world, with their amazing daughter alongside them. And Her. Raven. The girl from beyond his wildest dreams by his side. Turns out, now is exactly where he wants to be. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it guys! Thanks for reading my first finished story. Shame Murven is still a crackship and not a real one but am at least pleased they're getting some screen time together. Both actors are doing stellar work this series and that chemistry is still burning.


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